2020: Happy New Year

If you are reading this before the official drop-OMG THANK YOU!! Becuz u are subscribed through email :) and this was my way of testing it out before it went to the masses lol. EEEK!!!

Y'all...I've been working hard and putting in some man hours u hear me...to get this "blogazine" to and gether! Like I didn't realize the time crunch I put on myself when I said I wanted to get it done in a short amount of time and got to WERK after finishing up my Fall semester. I am sooo excited and I love this feeling of accomplishment when my ideas come to life. Eeeeh a gal can get used to this lol. I will say moving forward I'm going to give myself some breathing room and perfect this along the way. What's next? Lewk Books? 2nd Edition? EEEK!! I honestly don't know but I'm excited to see what will evolve of my blogazine and open to ideas and criticism (aka feedback) becuz I don't want to put too much pressure on myself yet want to get into a routine to incorporate em with a schedule-within reason because Spring semester does start in a few weeks :7 

I am definitely giving myself some room to grow. I can almost cry right now becuz again...this took A LOT I didn't anticipate and I have such a newfound respect for creators on different levels becuz I know it can look easy to those who aren't privy to the blood, sweat, tears, lack of sleep, lowered energy, frustration n empty stomachs behind the scenes to get the product OUT there and I am just excited to see how u guys receive it. 

Without further ado...I hope u guys like it-EEEK!!! 

The first edition of my blogazine:

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Pregnant After 35: Happy 3rd Trimester

Nov 2018; 28 wks

Woo Hoo…Happy 3rd Trimester!!! I must be honest tho…although we have surpassed some milestones, I still low key feel like…not really walkin on eggshells but…slightly cautious! I hate comin across preemie articles n stories of stillbirth cuz it makes me nervous. So I tend to scroll past n stay focused on the present. I am in the final home stretch!! I was finally able to let the cat out the bag to my co-workers. I am so blessed to work with an amazing team that allows me the flexibility and support to keep this smooth sailing for me. My teeny tiny tummy is now a teeny tiny bump becuz I see some women who at 7 months look so huge and my little “meep meep” bump lol. I am NOT complaining tho. Saves me from needing a bunch of maternity clothes I would just give away later anyways. As luck would have it, I’m officially anemic-hence the tiredness so I am now subjected to iron pills twice a day. I am soooo not a pills person. Medication frightens me so I deal with pain as natural as possible. I’ve also learned how to combat my heartburn as well. I was googling up some things n came up with: sugarless gum-but its only temporary; chewable tums-I’ve never taken tums before so I needed something appeasing to my taste buds; and chamomile tea-teas are no brainers for me n I only add honey. So far so good! These have been working in my favor which allows me to sleep n rest easy at night. THANK GOD!!! I took that nasty azz glucose test wit the infamous orange drink **BLEH**

n failed sooo round 2 consisted of the same just extended to 3 hrs **le sigh** I was able to pass that one tho wit flying colors soooo no diabetes here. We’ve clocked the due date between Xmas n the first 2 wks into the New Years as a prediction. Although my hopes of a birthday twin have been shattered-honestly…as the weeks progress, I ain’t mad. I was just randomly thinkin (as I was awaken by heartburn at 230a n unable to get comfy to fall back asleep becuz Lil Meep Meep wants to literally compete with me n take over whatever side I wanna sleep on) I am ready to get back to a sense of normalcy.

Nov 2018; 30 wks

As I sat n did my weekly bubble bath soak, I must say…God is so amazing. To think I’ve been chosen to be worthy after getting pass the heartbreak n hurdles of miscarriages, abortions n abusing my body n now celebrating 30 weeks of incubating life amazes me. I get emotional (it’s really the baby) thinkin WOW!! I am grateful n understanding of a woman’s work. To read stories and know the struggle of women’s infertility and loss along with the struggles to maintain a healthy growing baby throughout the estimated 40 wks is amazing. Now with so many options via surrogate, IVF and etc to know there’s still no guarantee of making it to the goal-the goal of having a baby earthside, I literally just paused in awe of LIFE. I wasn’t even aware of the IVF procedures where u gotta prep ur body n inject urself w/meds then get poked to grab this n that n get eggs implanted n omg I just can’t imagine. Hell I gotta try n keep up to remind myself to take iron pills twice a day sheesh. This journey has given me a different outlook n perspective of women-not that I’m the next feminist or nothing-but from the women who speak out n share to the women who quietly deal; it’s a powerful feeling to be a woman. It’s like a fire has been sparked to conquer any n everything I want n go for it becuz there’s nothing we can’t do. To reflect n think this time last year I was re-evaluating myself to prepare for a new year after losing a baby n still find the courage to be optimistic of divine timing n god’s will to now lookin forward to the many kicks n punches I endure by tiny feet throughout the days n and the oohs n aahs of seeing perfections of growth on the sonogram, my heart melts! How am I ever so lucky to be the chosen one? The one who used to take life n the creation of life for granted. GROWTH yall…wheeew!! The manifestation in ur own destiny is real. My chakra’s be aligned AF.

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Pregnant After 35: Are we there yet?

  

 

Oct 2018; 26 wks

 



Heartburn is kickin my azz!! Sleep…I am lackin!! Snacks…I’m attacking!! #Barz Thus far I’ve only gained about 20 lbs. In my head, I am good at concealing my bump. In reality, my wardrobe is becoming limited. There will be no fashion fwd maternity styles or how-to’s from me. I am looking to be as comfortable as possible. Leggings, Loose Dresses, Catsuits w/dusters, oversized sweaters, flared tops and FLATS will be my maternity uniform **yawns** yall know what I’m capable of. I ain’t gotta prove nothing to nobody TUH. Hair will stay Damn’d up cuz doing it now is such a task. I let it go a good 2 wks before wash day, throw on a turban in between..twist up n out-dassit. I want my maternity shoot to be simple n chic as possible to capture this last go round of a moment. I ain’t gonna be in no milky tub w/flowers, no secret gardens wit the flowing dress blown ever so gently to the side or the infamous baby daddy in jeans n no shirt holdin my belly as we look down at this bundle of joy comin soon. I’m going for simple n elegant.

To deal with heartburn, I simply eat before 7 n as of late; dinner has just been cereal becuz I want to attempt to get a good night’s rest. I am a bath whore to force me to be still n maintain sanity as I chill but as these weeks rollin I gotta get creative on how to get out the tub comfortably. I have a little bell I use when I’m in need. Mason comes running when I ring it lol. My skin has been horrendous as hormones been phkn me up. I got dry patches on my arms, my under eyes dry n peely-wearing makeup has dmn near come to a HALT unless I have a burst of energy on the wknds to keep my skills up and my snack of choice is ICE!! I have the best babydaddies EVER as they cave into my cravings requests n make sure I’m good. They continue to make this a pleasurable experience for me to accommodate as much as possible. I’d highly recommend them as babydaddies #YelpReview lol I’m already lookin fwd to moving in with them during my last week’s so they can spoil, pamper n be at my every beck n call **cue evil laugh** Oh the joy of being THE QUEEN!!!

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Friendly Reminder

If you're still around-THANK YOU-for hanging in there with me! I am looking to re-brand, re-vamp and keep on trekking as I close out this Year of Inspiration which follows up the previous Year of Elevation and looking forward to 2020: Year of Motivation to complete my motto:

• Inspire.
• Motivate.
• Elevate.

I am excited for what's to come. I still enjoy my space here but I've been building and engaging via social media IG and FB: @ballsofbeautyblog :) I am maintaining life as I am working on bringing more posts to my blog site and juggling work and school too! Yes ya girl is less than 50 credits away from a Bachelors. Feel free to catch up cuz once I'm in a zone I be dropping posts like new music Friday's out this bytch!

So bare with me and I appreciate your patience. Thank you guys for loving on me, sharing my shyt, spreading the word and inviting others into my head space 💓 The love shown in my comments and DM's don't go unnoticed and you'll be remembered during my speech for an award and/or launch day in this life time!

Smooches

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Pregnant After 35: Halfway There

September 2018; 20 wks

My how time seems to fly. I am officially at the halfway mark-THANK GOD!! The “reveal” at the dr appt went well. I’m stitched up so tight I called it having a fresh cooch of rejuvenation lol. There was no doubt about the gender for sure. Mason tagged along but wasn’t too amused lol. He’s so neutral but then again he ain’t know what he was watchin on the screen no ways. I still often times feel like shyt, yet pull myself together with whatever strength I have to look like the shyt ;) I still enjoy naps, be TIED in the am’s at work n enjoy soaking in the tub to meditation music at night before bed. The belly bump is sorta kinda there-I guess! To those who know can notice but I don’t. I just know I can’t wear no pants without elastic n I did buy my first maternity dress. 

Slowly but surely comin out of hibernation n getting outta lazy mode esp since school started. I gotta focus on these 2 classes but more so cuz I’m just excited for summer to be DONE. The joys of being preggers…heartburn which tends to leave me tryin to sleep sitting up, trying to comfortably sleep period (I often times sleep wit a pillow in between my legs), and one thing that snuck up on me n almost KILT me…CONS-TUH-PAY-SHUN! Good Laaawd. Hats off to those who push out babies but if it’s anything like what I had to push out the other night-I am proud to be a c-sectioner. I mean it was sooo bad I literally thought of writing my last will n testament becuz I ain’t think I was gonna make it but clearly God aint threw wit me yet so here I am. Wheeew!! Next appt is at 24 wks n I’m sure they’ll have a sigh of relief THEN- other than that…this baby is quite active off the early mornings, lunch time n MY bed time which is normally bout 10-ish. 

September 2018; 23 wks

I'm looking fwd to skating into the 3rd trimester soon. This baby has some rhythm sheesh. I get a nudge to remind me to eat, another kick when it’s time to release n random swirls during downtime when I just wanna relax. Like clockwork if I drink anything I am off to the bathroom within the hour. I sit at my desk, laid back wit the Homer Simpson belly in awe. OH SHYT I guess I should start telling my team O_O nobody knows (other than the handful) but I don’t wanna be here today n gone tomorrow. That’s what happened last year. One week I was here n the next week I was on bed rest :7 

It’s comin up on a year the unfortunate occurred which we also randomly discuss. I was exactly 22 wks when my water broke n almost 23 wks admitted into the hospital then pushing hours later. As successful as things are going now, I take nothing for granted. Every week is a milestone for us and we’ve come a long way. Folks may look at us like WHY would we wanna attempt another go round n think we are crazy. Hell even I paused walkin pass the mirror n caught a profile glimpse of myself wit a belly poking out like…oh shyt..u really ARE doin this huh. It’s getting real n no turning back. After my next appt we’ll go into planning mode: baby shower, arrangements for Mason during my last month **looks at calendar wit one eye** and maternity leave!

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Pregnant After 35: Hibernating

August 2018; 16 wks

To be honest…I really thought I’d have some energy by now. I’ve completely abandoned my blog n social media accts. On one hand it feels good to just take time out to chill n play the background but on the other…I miss playin in makeup n doin shoots so I can write n engage but I’m just not feelin it n I refuse to force it. Summer is over n I did-nothin! I pretty much slept thru it :( Normally we hit the beach a few times buuuut NO! I am still in hibernation mode but I’d rather hibernate along a beach somewhere **le sigh** baby wise; all is well. I feel it squirming around n I have this thing where I randomly pause n hold my breath to watch my belly (aka baby heartbeat). My appetite is all over the place but it’s mainly cravings of junk food n fries #LifeOfUhFormerFatGirl

 I’m gonna need my trainer, Kenya, asap n not just for no snap back cuz I don’t cave into those pressures but just PERIOD!! My waist is widening but thank god for loose/oversized dresses. I be so lazy now I wear no makeup to work **cue horror scream** n throw on a dress n gooooo!! My effort is less as possible. The easier the better! Mason is such a good sport. I have this bell for when I need him which is…well when I get in bed n know I ain’t movin no time soon lol n he comes a running to take care of me. He’s gonna be greatly rewarded when it’s all said n done. 

Oh! I was able to kiss n makeup with one of my other half’s at brunch a few wks ago (refer to vent in previous post) n all is well n back on track after a little miscommunication mishap :D I can now drop my petty n let them enjoy the reveal in a few wks for our next appt. I mean I’ve been holding on to the secret since 10 wks n didn’t tell mason on purpose cuz he’s easily bribable with a mere gift card or headset. They think it’s a girl cuz of my attitude n snippiness but I remain neutral making sure it doesn’t slip out. IM EXCITED!! I already have my nordies cart ready to execute with baby stuff haha.

I'd be totally fakin if I didn't act like anxiety of caring a baby this go round has me walking on eggshells. Maybe it's just the natural feeling after having a miscarriage but for the past 16 wks-I'm nervous AF. I take a break for fresh air, sneakily rub my belly becuz it's such a secret n take a deep breff n enjoy the scenery as is. Then I look down n see a butterfly. It's lightly n calmly sitting there. A sense of calmness now comes over me n in this moment-I just KNEW-everything will work out as WE desire. This is where my spirit tells me to pay attention to the universe n God whispers to relax  <3

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Pregnant After 35: 2nd Trimester

July 2018; 11 wks

I have been tired..bytchy and annoyed by any n everything! The tiredness I expect cuz I always sleep thru the first trimester wit ease. I’m in bed by 8p, sometimes before n lounge all weekend (even tho my plans been to purge clothes n unpack boxes). I just can’t seem to muster up the energy for nothing. At work I be dozing like I’m off that “blue magic” and get the –itis to the 10th power after I eat. Crazy. I’ve been gladly hibernating n staying to self becuz I don’t feel like being bothered to entertain or be entertained. I know my boys be sick of my ‘tude but I really want to be left alone!! Nothing against anyone but people annoy me n my clapbacks have the possibility of fire behind it so let me enjoy solitude. I’ve had a few people point it out cuz my facial expressions can’t squeeze out a fake smile n I feel bad I randomly yawn as they talkin.

My whole aura n energy is just thrown off so I need my sister to sage me again lol. I’m sure within the next couple of weeks my energy shall reappear n my attitude will adjust to higher spirits but for now…the tank is empty! My shyt is on E. It really is hard not shouting how happy u are to the high heavens so for sanity purposes only a few people know n they know me so well becuz they respect my space n our privacy. The 10 tubes of blood drawn n a pee cup later didn’t help either but I remind myself…it’ll all be worth it in the end-plus I’m excited to know the gender too. I have an awesome reveal in mind :D One claims he don’t wanna know **eye roll** he’s from the N.O. n u know how superstitious they be :7

July 2018; 13 wks

OMG where do I start…HAPPY 2ND TRIMESTER!!! The surgery of getting stitched up was a success yet the aftermath was horrendous! I got my backed stabbed up wit the epidural so many times it left me with back pains n an excruciating headache for a week >:< I toughened it out like a G tho cuz im not for takin the oxy n etc so I tried Tylenol-still got sick n just stuck to some good ol’ essential oils to ease the pain (peppermint, lavender and eucalyptus). Between my team of babydaddies, mason n my sister (who doesn’t know) I’ve been well taken care of and im grateful cuz driving round ain’t an option. I was so nauseous n weak, scared to eat cuz I threw up a few times-mason became the king of making me toast. Everything subsided by the end of the week but I ain’t anticipate all that cuz it was easy peasy last time. I’m starting to get some energy back, taking it light wit my appetite n peeking out from hibernation, although I still really don’t feel like being bothered by people. Dmn the summer is almost over n I have nothing planned :( this is a first for me.

Lemme vent really quick…the male species will never understand the changes n emotions a woman’s body goes thru during this time. I know they put up wit the hormone changes n mood swings but do NOT give me shyt n attitude becuz  I am 15 min late to a dr appt ESP after the hell week I been goin thru recouping from surgery. OMG!! They annoyed the phk outta me asking if the appt was cancelled cuz I wasn’t there ON TIME :7 My reply: **deletes more harsh reply** did I notify u of any cancellations? Oh. Ok!! Like dude…chill TF out. The dmn concert can’t start until the star arrives no dmn way n as a new parent-learn some patience!!! Whew I feel better letting that out. Sooo now Mr. I don’t wanna know the gender, wants to know the gender **eye roll** and I had this lavish gender reveal planned but they getting on my nerves so bad I don’t even feel like doin it no more cuz they take all the phkn fun out of it. GOT DMN!!! I will let them know at the next appt which is around 18 wks or so since that’s when they do the whole anatomy scan n etc. One of them made a request to come in before that to make sure everything is ok…I paused with compassion becuz I get it-HOWEVER, without tryin to sound like an azzhole imma say this…I am NOT comin to the dr ofc every week nor am I walkin on eggshells living in fear of. I need everyone to get on this positive thinking train n ride that bytch knowing the good lord above has taken the wheel to guide us into victory-HELLO!!! I need them to trust that I wouldn’t do nothing to jeopardize myself or this unborn child n if iiiiiiiiiiii felt the need to consult the dr for anything that felt off I would do so. Again…I get it, they wanna make sure their baby is good esp given how things ended last time but if his ol’ step on a crack, break ya mama back azz don’t leave me alooooone-ugh! I still love them though. Lawd I should prolly start some therapy sessions…(remind me to do an after actions report when this is all done).

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Pregnant After 35: First Trimester

June 2018; 8 wks

Round 2!!! Here we go again. The first appt was so exciting as my dr’s team was happy to see us again n welcomes us with open arms. I have clearly gained 10lbs already :7 as expected I guess cuz I’ve craved nothing but fried foods w/a hint of ice cream n sleeping. Exercise has not been on my radar but I do wanna get into yoga-it’s the thought that counts at this point cuz I dmn sure ain’t been acting on it. Weird, after finding out I had such a boost of energy then it slowly went away within the last few wks. Ugh!! I got one more semester until graduation soooo I’m curious as to how this will play out cuz I’ve envisioned waddling across the stage to grab my degree-by any means necessary tho! 

All went well at the dr n we are off to a good start. Surprisingly as divine timing would be…the due date is my birthday which comes full circle becuz it should’ve been that last time :D God is so amazing!! I am feelin fine. I take it one week at a time n ready to grab my handicap tag #Perks haha. In a few wks I gotta mentally prepare to get blood drawn which is always a struggle wit small veins n stitched up wit a cerclage to take precaution this go round. Don’t need no mishaps of early dilation even tho my cervix now is completely closed (prolly by default of living celibate) UGGGGH!!! **cue anxiety** The thought is setting in along with flashbacks n I know 2 wks will be here quicker than a Chinese carry out order. 

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Class of 2019: Unfinished Business

This has been a looooong time comin. How long? Since 1999. Although college was stressed by my parents (mainly my dad), as a kid who ain't thinkin bout the value of it later in life, my attitude was like mmm meh...whatever. I guess its the "thing" to do right. As my friends ventured off to college, I ventured off into the workforce and did community college during the mornings. My mom even started to take classes and we joked about being in class together. Let me just say...as I remember, I used to say I can't wait to graduate high school thinking I'd be sleeping IN more-wroooooooong!! While adulting at an early age to juggle work, school n bills; my mom got sick n college was no longer priority. I think I did maaaybe a semester n let it fall by the wayside. Throughout my career(s) I'd always have sound advice from co-workers stressing the importance of higher learning. In the beginning, I wasn't eligible for grants and always heard the gripes of those paying car note sized loans for school which was the main deterrence I've always had-the burden of school loans! 

After I had Mason, I started working at the fire dept and came across the tuition reimbursement program offered which meant I'd pay up front and they paid me back in the end IF I completed classes with a passing grade. I still pitty patty'd back n forth with it not taking full advantage of the moment because I felt like I'm making the salary, if not more than those WITH college degrees soooo what's the point. So again, I started n didn't finish. I did the back n forth for years to come and just thinking about what I could've been did n accomplished with higher learning-I still have no regrets. I'm not gonna sit here and wallow in the "by now I could have" or "I could've been" becuz I truly don't know where I would've been had I stayed in college or where I'd of been working. I am grateful for the opportunity to have met the people I've met along the way who have all served a purpose in molding me. Many I still have relationships with beyond the office. My steps have been ordered with or without college. 

     For 2019, let's be all the way live and HONEST...aside from the plethora of benefits and honoring of ancestors we can do utilizing higher learnings....it's not for everybody. I don't even think it's fair to force growing and under developed minds of younginz to make such drastic decisions of majors in what should be their future careers unless it's something they strongly show interest in (u know ur kids). I am all for leap years or pursuing college with a means that doesn't have to do with MY wallet or social attached to it. As parents, I get it, we want the best for them and don't want them to go through the same struggle. In today's times, there are many options besides a degree to advance in careers and life such as certifications and trades (unless u in a PhD-ish field). Everyone's definition of success is also different. I used to  chase "the bag" so much until I paused to take a step back and really focus on Mason n changed the pace of my career. Ever since then, the bag been chasing me. My decisions here on out is making quality of life a priority. I am not looking to drive fancy cars to park in the driveway of a mansion wit a white picket fence. There's offers received with the opportunity to make a higher salary and I've said no because it's not a good fit for MY life right now whether it's becuz of a longer commute or location. All money ain't good money but I am blessed to be in the position to do so. 

Although, I've digressed...let me wheel it back. I just recently within the past few years gotten serious about going back to school. Not for the sake of career advancement but my own personal growth and dedication to accomplish a personal goal. I wanted to FINALLY complete something. I also wanted to continue honoring my mama n finish what she didn't as well. It was merely unfinished business!! With the motivation of you guys and the inspirational stories of those before me, I DID IT!!! In the beginning, I ain't gonna lie....it was hard. No longer was I doing one class here and there but I took on 3 classes at a time. My job has been flexible and accommodating with school as they've been rooting for me as well. I struggle n HATE MAFF (no secret) so I used these scientists n engineers to assist me. Many of days we'd be in their offices going over formula's to figure out homework. I ain't never been so proud of a C in my life. Apparently, God needed to see me be consistent because I started getting blessed with grants in the end. It's because of those grants I was able to finish school n lessen my loans-wheeeeew FAVORED!!! 

So here's the catch...after all that...my intentions was to celebrate quietly and to myself. I felt like since it's "only" an Associates n it took me so long, it's no big deal. This was a challenge for ME to accomplish and I downplayed it **slaps forehead** I even missed the deadline to walk n then said HOLD UP **cue lightbulb** umm...this shyt was NOT FREE!! I ain't get up in school wit no handouts via Crew Club n adjusted SAT scores. I've sacrificed many of nights (some last minute but still) working on papers n prepping notes for tests, all the while juggling mommyhood n work. I've attended classes throughout the week after work when I was drained n wanted to just go straight home to bed. I found the brain power to make this shyt happen **opens loan bill as reminder** AWWW HELL NAAAAH...

yall gonna see every bit of this milestone PHK THAT!!! Might not mean much to u, but it dmn sure means much to me. So here I am looking to get squeezed in the ceremony to walk. I get the green light (FAVORED) and it's go time. Mason was proud of me and I graced the stage with an extra light hovering over my cap. I am officially the first college grad (on my mama's side) to hold the title. I'm just in awe of myself and still letting it marinate to take it all in-I DID THAT!! 

And becuz I got more free monies...Imma take advantage of that n do it again :) I told the advisor LOOK...I ain't looking to be a doctor, lawyer or anything of that nature. I will take a degree in toe nail clippings if need be n long as I don't need to take another phkn MAFF class :7 

All of a sudden the tortoise n the hare race makes so much sense to me now. My heart is full...thank you ALL soooo much-the love and messages are definitely felt wit these extra hands pushin me to the finish line!! 

Smooches (from my mama-the light-and me)

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Pregnant After 35: Trying to Conceive (TTC)

May 2018

It’s such a beautiful feeling to really know ur body. If u pay close attention u can just feel the magic happen to know something is brewing. It’s unexplainable yet possible when ur in tune wit urself n it feels amazing. After tryin for months, I stopped payin attn honestly n was like eeeh it’ll happen when it happens. Got tired of peein on sticks anxiously awaiting for a positive answer n didn’t think nothing of it. I just continued to sit back n wait to bleed again wondering what is takin so dmn long THIS time. My Latino side must be fadin n I’m truly getting old cuz I’m normally a one hitta quitta. I meeeean I got tons of eggs I’ve seen firsthand sooo what’s the hold up **le sigh** my nerves must be getting the best of me cuz I am hungry AF for no reason. I’m full but obviously not cuz 2 hrs later my jaws back to work n I’m munchin. I made the most bomb honey ham n pepperoni sandwich wit all my gourmet fixins which is weird cuz I hadn’t had a taste for one of these since last time I was preg—O_O oh shyt…hold up…naaaah I just took a test the other day…well I over peed on it so it was kinda inconclusive. I been peein on sticks like every day after the good ol’ Stork n I’ve gotten used to one line from my cheapie test. Oh wait, I got this high tech digital one Dee got n it’ll tell u like 5 days sooner or something. Nope! Imma just wait for my cycle this month AGAIN. I ain’t tryin to get my hopes up too high so I’ll sleep on it. So what I have familiar cravings, prolly thinkin bout it too much.

Ok ok ok I can’t wait. I got a boost of energy outta nowhere n I’ve been tearin up some chocolate cashew clusters by the box too much (that shyt like $8 at wegmans). The signs can’t be any mo’ clearer now right :7 I’m within the 5 day window n this test is pretty simple but it’ll be the longest 3 minutes ever. Bout to put my kegals to good use so I don’t over pee n phk it up lol. Aight…Imma let it marinate n take my azz on to bed. I have no expectations on what it’ll say so might as well rest easy huh-

WRONG!!! I am literally stalkin the bars as it ticks from 1 to 3. I put it down, pick it up, put it back down, walk away, peek back n the bathroom. Got dmn my forehead sweating, my hands tingling-please don’t let me pass out cuz mason is knocked out sleep-oh my dmn these bars still movin? How many phkn seconds is in 3 minutes? Sheesh!! This joint must’ve malfunctioned. Lawwwwd I got a defective azz test **takes deep breathe** let me go watch TV…errr uuuh my dmn hands shakin, ok nah go check on the test cuz I know it’s been at least 10 min, ok no prolly like 5 but still…why do I feel like everything is slow motion. 

EEEEEEEEK!!!! OMG…this ain’t right. That’s it imma just wait for my cycle. I got the biggest lump in my throat-HOLY SHYT. I gotta call my boys…no I’ll wait…what if I die in my sleep tho…ok no I gotta tell em NOW. I need a glass of ice water first, shyt. Let me double check it cuz it might’ve changed back or something….NOPE!! Ok still there. Now my nose sweating-WTF!! I gotta chill out before I make this call n act calm AF. **deep exhale**I hate talkin on the phone…lemme facetime em so they know it’s real. Annnnnd ACTION: 4 weeks!!!

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The Art of Vulnerability

Sometimes I pause before I hit submit to post some things becuz even iiiiii think I can be…tew much. Like how do u find the balance to not overshare yet still share just enuff esp as someone who’s a writer. I honestly don’t know becuz I just go with what my heart allows. It’s also easier for me becuz the shyt that comes to my mind is…I can’t possibly be the only one thinkin this soooo why hasn’t anyone else said shyt :7 Growing up I’ve obviously blocked out the “what will people think of u” mentality n do my own thang. When I was young I would say I’m from Mars-my mom said stop sayin that lol (hence my fascination with astronomy) but I’ve always just felt like I’m in my own lane n I’m cool with that. I feel like my vulnerable side didn’t come out til I went bald starting my natural hair journey. Honestly…that shyt is scary to not know what in the entire phk u gonna look like wit NO HAIR!! I was able to overcome one of the scariest moments n it’s the reason why hair means nothing to me now. I’ve been bald wit a fat face, skinny face, dry face, brows ain’t did face, full makeup face n in the end…it’s still ALL ME!! But why do I so freely tell yall my bidness tho…I can find a stranger n they know my life within hours…ask me a question n I’ll give u a straight up no fluff answer. Why??? Becuz guess what…I have no shame in my story. I have no shame about my life-past or present. When u see my True Hollywood Story (remember that show) or the next Unsung; there’s nothing u will hear to be like oh wow I never knew (well maybe). I have taken any power n leeway to be blackmailed lol. There is no scandals over here! 

I had a convo wit a guy who would get offended becuz I always joked about anybody wit more than 2 kids is too many n of course becuz he got more than…he felt some kind of way n said I act like I have no skeletons in my closet. Ummm….I don’t. I have shared quite often the tribe of kids that await me in heaven. That’s no secret. If there’s something I don’t want anyone to know-trust me-NOBODY would know.  Anyone who knows anything about me is becuz it was volunTOLD by me or witnessed (hearsay don't count). The things I admire most about people are ones willing to share their stories of struggle n abnormality without fear of judgement becuz let’s be honest…that’s mainly why we can be so silent in our stories. We don’t want it tossed back up in our faces later on or looked down upon for mistakes made. The times we are comin into is so sensitive n u can’t make the slightest pun or joke without it offending someone. I hate that. As a lover of comedy, I can appreciate the art of a comedian who tells a story of life experiences in such a way that although it may come off to some people as offensive, it’s not the intention behind the JOKE. There’s no malice in sharing their experience or feelings but shyt gets taken out of context too much. Remember when Kevin Hart gave up his spot to host The Oscars over an old azz tweet? That was so ridick to me. It’s like ooooh coooome oooon. U know dmn well Lil Kev is NOT homophobic n he ain’t tweet nothing different than how someone else feels in a jokey way. Maaaaan I am not deleting no old azz tweets nor am I gonna sit around n justify anything said or done years ago because we evolve with time. Thoughts n perspectives change with life experiences.

I said what I said-AND WHAT!!

Being vulnerable and letting ur guard down takes some balls. Are u willing to be the only one standing in a room? The odd one out? When I made the decision to speak about having a miscarriage it was such a weight lifted off my shoulder yet a relief becuz I received love n support from those who experienced the same. That’s what we need more of…support groups. A space where we can be open n real with each other to pour love into n not have to deal with it amongst ourselves. I started reading n seeing more women share their own stories and it was empowering for me to share more. My FAQ post almost didn't happen becuz I wasn't sure if would be well received n it's not often u hear about surrogacy yet I didn't wanna keep tip toeing bout it cuz I mean-it's apart of my life. 

Making mistakes is better than faking perfections
-Brother Leonard aka C Tha God

The stories u don’t typically read about often or know exists intrigue me. With time, I am becoming a better version of myself-not sorry! The delivery might come off abrasive but it's not with bad intent-I don't want no smoke! There may also be things I choose to keep private about annnnd I ain't explaining why or why not. Apart of my confidence comes wit owning my shyt n I'm in full control of every aspect. I shall continue to wear my heart on my sleeve through my safe haven of these pages on MY blog. By doin so, yes it opens me to ridicule or bein talked about and I’m fine with that becuz it comes wit the price of putting urself on the forefront. It's funny to me cuz I know some folks look to go viral n popular not knowing it unlocks pandora's box for trolls to scroll ur life span for display. My personality n alter ego is for the shyts, in reality I'm chillin behind the scenes. This isn't to come off like I'm solid as a rock **cue Ashford n Simpson song** or as if nothing can hurt me. I am human n I choose to share my scars differently. If your on the fence to speak out loud, I understand. I also know there's healing from sharing. Whether u agree or disagree, at least respect my story being told first hand by ME!

Smooches

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2019: Year of Inspiration

Keeping within the trend of my motto: Inspire.Motivate.Elevate, the theme for 2019 will be Inspiration. After hibernating last year, I’ve been sparked to proceed with my creativity and lead intentionally into my next phase of life tapping into all aspects that apply ie motherhood, career, love, education and time. I want to make calculated moves that will benefit the direction I’m headed in. I know they’ll be some sacrifices along the way but it’s necessary in moving fwd. Being on maternity leave felt like foooorever! I am not meant to be a stay at home mom becuz I get bored fast. I spoiled Mason taking him to school every morning then I may have stopped pass Starbucks a time or 2. From the previous blog post..in my head, I was ready to hit the streets. In reality, my body still was not connecting that same energy to my brain to function. I needed to be reminded of major surgeries my body endured but I knew I couldn't get lost in being lazy because it would soon be time to return to work. The days of lounging and looking for things to do whether around the house (my closet still isn't fully purged) or outside for fresh air at my leisure would soon come to an end. 

My boost of energy came one day when I woke up and did my daily routine which also included checking out my favorite IG influencers, podcasts and seeing Wendy return to hosting. I knew I had a few weeks left and even the option of getting my leave extended but to draw from the strength of phenomenal women moved me. The anticipation of Spring moved me. The lazy procrastinating woman in me teetered on making the call to extend my leave and benefits by another month or so. The superwoman in me was fed up with life passing me by. It was time for me to get off my azz n get back in deez streets. I picked a date n typed up my email to send out **cue long pause** WAIT...maybe I'm not ready to go back **shakes head** Yea I am, what else am I doin? I'm blessed to have survived giving birth n being mobile **rubs healed incisions** NO, not yet **deletes return date** I..can't...**checks bank account** Bytch suck it up **re-enters date** I meeeean, ain't like I work in construction or nothing right? I gotta do this **takes deep breathe** SEND!!!

BOOM!!! CASH MONEY TAKIN OVER FOR THE 99 N 2000'S!!! Just like that IM BACK!! My first week back to work was umm...yea slightly overwhelming. Baby brain is so real lol. I be having dumb blonde moments and I hate asking a question then re-asking like oh yea what was that again? It's so weird. I made sure I eased back with later hours because my sleep is still just OFF. No, I don't have to be a slave to a baby every few hours but insomnia randomly sets in and I just didn't want to commit to early hours. I am thankful n grateful for the flexibility and understanding of co-workers. I eased in quite nicely. This year thus far has been so rewarding for me. I rev'd the engine n just took off. I feel soooo good. I am still finding my balance with work, school and motherhood. I am starting to feel the effects of dealing with a pre-teen so I may or may not be holding his neck in my hand while typing with one hand at this time! 

My Their Our baby is pushing THREE whole azz months!! I love seeing men be involved with their kids. My boys are finding their groove and killing it. They are in tune to his quirky ways n changes, I am so impressed and totally in love with their evolution into this parenting life. To know how overly loved this baby is, my heart just overflows. I stare at him, watch him smile at me n relish in the innocence he has. No preconception of the world or what it entails. A fresh brain empty from prejudice and no cares of anything or anyone-just pure love. It softens my heart. All he knows is SOMEBODY better feed n change me. You gotta talk to him or in my case...sing JODECI songs, he's so special. 

Ok so I've gotten my azz up off the couch...now what: to be honest, I'm still taking easing back into the world day by day. I wish women could be afforded longer maternity leave not just for your physical but mental. I can't imagine how mothers hop back into the working world after a hiatus with the added stress of a baby. I can't even remember how iiiii did it 12 yrs ago with Mason. You should definitely listen to your body tho. I get up early yet still move at a steady pace to not rush. It makes a difference in my mood lol. 

So here's the crazy part...I don't know if this is a form of body dysmorphia or what but I feel like I appear smaller than I am :7 I am not pressured nor care to partake in the "snapback" movement. My body is naturally falling back into place-I guess! I meeeean, I was a good 8 months in the left pic n felt cheated from my baby bump. I know it seems like BAM I made an announcement then days later it was an arrival then VOILA I'm back to skinty-NO! My appetite is still in a awkward stage. Rarely do I eat meat (I am loyal to chicken) and I've adopted being a huge snacker. Chips are love, I became obsessed with Lindor's (I buy em 2 at a time), pumpkin seeds are the shyt n Starbucks became a horrible craving. Trust me, I have no secrets to losing weight after baby n my diet is faaaaar from Keto. My portions of a meal are small to say the least and even after all that...I'm still holding on to 20 lbs out of the 40 I gained. WTF!!! My Pamela Anderson boobs deflated to T-Boz's. I have been subjected to loose fitting clothes n still avoid fastening pants which constricts my waist into greatness only to emphasize the FUPA-ness lol. I wore some pants one day to work annnnd my thighs were clapping harder than Sister Gertrude at an Easter Sunday sermon. I said oh naaaah, I gotta call Kenya (my trainer) ASAP!! This is just unacceptable. 

I ain't bragging tho :P Speaking of shed...I got questions on the infamous postpartum hair loss. I know the myth is how much our hair grows during pregnancy. Not really the case. You just shed less. Then after baby guess what...all that long luxurious hair u credited to this lovely bundle of joy...comes falling out **cue scene from Tina Turner movie after her perm** I hate to sound like a unicorn buuuut I didn't shed no more than usual. I can't even say it's from a healthy hair regimen cuz again...I eat like shyt n I had my hair twisted up for months at a time. I will say my scalp was horribly dry along with the rest of my skin n I layered my moisturization using oil n butter combos. Between the seasons changing n my body coming back into normalcy it's getting better. My dry patches from "leopracy" (adult eczema) are fading too. Whhhheeeew the things we go thru to bring life into the world I tell ya :7 It's important for me to get back to self. Don't fall into the false expectations of what u see online with snapbacks n just go at ur own pace. Small steps turn into bigger triumphs in the long run. 

Jacket: ASOS
Dress: Goldenbird Boutique
Boots: Jeffrey Campbell (Nordies)

4th Trimester:

There's no formula I can offer to give new moms to get their mojo back. Everybody is different. I've seen other moms older than me bounce back quicker n some younger take longer. I just admire the strength of a woman no matter how big or small after babies to be incredible. I am still standing. I take advantage of the boost of energy I do get and be as productive as possible. My school work can at times suck the life out of what's left but in the end...it has to get done-period. I'm excited to step my big toe back into the world n come off the porch this season. THIS IS MY TIME!!! Muva is waking up from hibernation. Yaaaasssss, I be my own hype man lol. Heading into 2nd quarter of the year, I look forward to INSPIRATION. Whether I am inspiring or getting inspired. I love the transfer of energy in a positive way n the accountability to keep me pushing. We all need it. I have been on the bench for a long time...put me in the gaaaame coach!! 

Smooches

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