Pregnant After 35: Hibernating

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August 2018; 16 wks

To be honest…I really thought I’d have some energy by now. I’ve completely abandoned my blog n social media accts. On one hand it feels good to just take time out to chill n play the background but on the other…I miss playin in makeup n doin shoots so I can write n engage but I’m just not feelin it n I refuse to force it. Summer is over n I did-nothin! I pretty much slept thru it :( Normally we hit the beach a few times buuuut NO! I am still in hibernation mode but I’d rather hibernate along a beach somewhere **le sigh** baby wise; all is well. I feel it squirming around n I have this thing where I randomly pause n hold my breath to watch my belly (aka baby heartbeat). My appetite is all over the place but it’s mainly cravings of junk food n fries #LifeOfUhFormerFatGirl

 I’m gonna need my trainer, Kenya, asap n not just for no snap back cuz I don’t cave into those pressures but just PERIOD!! My waist is widening but thank god for loose/oversized dresses. I be so lazy now I wear no makeup to work **cue horror scream** n throw on a dress n gooooo!! My effort is less as possible. The easier the better! Mason is such a good sport. I have this bell for when I need him which is…well when I get in bed n know I ain’t movin no time soon lol n he comes a running to take care of me. He’s gonna be greatly rewarded when it’s all said n done. 

Oh! I was able to kiss n makeup with one of my other half’s at brunch a few wks ago (refer to vent in previous post) n all is well n back on track after a little miscommunication mishap :D I can now drop my petty n let them enjoy the reveal in a few wks for our next appt. I mean I’ve been holding on to the secret since 10 wks n didn’t tell mason on purpose cuz he’s easily bribable with a mere gift card or headset. They think it’s a girl cuz of my attitude n snippiness but I remain neutral making sure it doesn’t slip out. IM EXCITED!! I already have my nordies cart ready to execute with baby stuff haha.

I'd be totally fakin if I didn't act like anxiety of caring a baby this go round has me walking on eggshells. Maybe it's just the natural feeling after having a miscarriage but for the past 16 wks-I'm nervous AF. I take a break for fresh air, sneakily rub my belly becuz it's such a secret n take a deep breff n enjoy the scenery as is. Then I look down n see a butterfly. It's lightly n calmly sitting there. A sense of calmness now comes over me n in this moment-I just KNEW-everything will work out as WE desire. This is where my spirit tells me to pay attention to the universe n God whispers to relax  <3

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Pregnant After 35: 2nd Trimester

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July 2018; 11 wks

I have been tired..bytchy and annoyed by any n everything! The tiredness I expect cuz I always sleep thru the first trimester wit ease. I’m in bed by 8p, sometimes before n lounge all weekend (even tho my plans been to purge clothes n unpack boxes). I just can’t seem to muster up the energy for nothing. At work I be dozing like I’m off that “blue magic” and get the –itis to the 10th power after I eat. Crazy. I’ve been gladly hibernating n staying to self becuz I don’t feel like being bothered to entertain or be entertained. I know my boys be sick of my ‘tude but I really want to be left alone!! Nothing against anyone but people annoy me n my clapbacks have the possibility of fire behind it so let me enjoy solitude. I’ve had a few people point it out cuz my facial expressions can’t squeeze out a fake smile n I feel bad I randomly yawn as they talkin.

My whole aura n energy is just thrown off so I need my sister to sage me again lol. I’m sure within the next couple of weeks my energy shall reappear n my attitude will adjust to higher spirits but for now…the tank is empty! My shyt is on E. It really is hard not shouting how happy u are to the high heavens so for sanity purposes only a few people know n they know me so well becuz they respect my space n our privacy. The 10 tubes of blood drawn n a pee cup later didn’t help either but I remind myself…it’ll all be worth it in the end-plus I’m excited to know the gender too. I have an awesome reveal in mind :D One claims he don’t wanna know **eye roll** he’s from the N.O. n u know how superstitious they be :7

July 2018; 13 wks

OMG where do I start…HAPPY 2ND TRIMESTER!!! The surgery of getting stitched up was a success yet the aftermath was horrendous! I got my backed stabbed up wit the epidural so many times it left me with back pains n an excruciating headache for a week >:< I toughened it out like a G tho cuz im not for takin the oxy n etc so I tried Tylenol-still got sick n just stuck to some good ol’ essential oils to ease the pain (peppermint, lavender and eucalyptus). Between my team of babydaddies, mason n my sister (who doesn’t know) I’ve been well taken care of and im grateful cuz driving round ain’t an option. I was so nauseous n weak, scared to eat cuz I threw up a few times-mason became the king of making me toast. Everything subsided by the end of the week but I ain’t anticipate all that cuz it was easy peasy last time. I’m starting to get some energy back, taking it light wit my appetite n peeking out from hibernation, although I still really don’t feel like being bothered by people. Dmn the summer is almost over n I have nothing planned :( this is a first for me.

Lemme vent really quick…the male species will never understand the changes n emotions a woman’s body goes thru during this time. I know they put up wit the hormone changes n mood swings but do NOT give me shyt n attitude becuz  I am 15 min late to a dr appt ESP after the hell week I been goin thru recouping from surgery. OMG!! They annoyed the phk outta me asking if the appt was cancelled cuz I wasn’t there ON TIME :7 My reply: **deletes more harsh reply** did I notify u of any cancellations? Oh. Ok!! Like dude…chill TF out. The dmn concert can’t start until the star arrives no dmn way n as a new parent-learn some patience!!! Whew I feel better letting that out. Sooo now Mr. I don’t wanna know the gender, wants to know the gender **eye roll** and I had this lavish gender reveal planned but they getting on my nerves so bad I don’t even feel like doin it no more cuz they take all the phkn fun out of it. GOT DMN!!! I will let them know at the next appt which is around 18 wks or so since that’s when they do the whole anatomy scan n etc. One of them made a request to come in before that to make sure everything is ok…I paused with compassion becuz I get it-HOWEVER, without tryin to sound like an azzhole imma say this…I am NOT comin to the dr ofc every week nor am I walkin on eggshells living in fear of. I need everyone to get on this positive thinking train n ride that bytch knowing the good lord above has taken the wheel to guide us into victory-HELLO!!! I need them to trust that I wouldn’t do nothing to jeopardize myself or this unborn child n if iiiiiiiiiiii felt the need to consult the dr for anything that felt off I would do so. Again…I get it, they wanna make sure their baby is good esp given how things ended last time but if his ol’ step on a crack, break ya mama back azz don’t leave me alooooone-ugh! I still love them though. Lawd I should prolly start some therapy sessions…(remind me to do an after actions report when this is all done).

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Pregnant After 35: First Trimester

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June 2018; 8 wks

Round 2!!! Here we go again. The first appt was so exciting as my dr’s team was happy to see us again n welcomes us with open arms. I have clearly gained 10lbs already :7 as expected I guess cuz I’ve craved nothing but fried foods w/a hint of ice cream n sleeping. Exercise has not been on my radar but I do wanna get into yoga-it’s the thought that counts at this point cuz I dmn sure ain’t been acting on it. Weird, after finding out I had such a boost of energy then it slowly went away within the last few wks. Ugh!! I got one more semester until graduation soooo I’m curious as to how this will play out cuz I’ve envisioned waddling across the stage to grab my degree-by any means necessary tho! 

All went well at the dr n we are off to a good start. Surprisingly as divine timing would be…the due date is my birthday which comes full circle becuz it should’ve been that last time :D God is so amazing!! I am feelin fine. I take it one week at a time n ready to grab my handicap tag #Perks haha. In a few wks I gotta mentally prepare to get blood drawn which is always a struggle wit small veins n stitched up wit a cerclage to take precaution this go round. Don’t need no mishaps of early dilation even tho my cervix now is completely closed (prolly by default of living celibate) UGGGGH!!! **cue anxiety** The thought is setting in along with flashbacks n I know 2 wks will be here quicker than a Chinese carry out order. 

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Class of 2019: Unfinished Business

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This has been a looooong time comin. How long? Since 1999. Although college was stressed by my parents (mainly my dad), as a kid who ain't thinkin bout the value of it later in life, my attitude was like mmm meh...whatever. I guess its the "thing" to do right. As my friends ventured off to college, I ventured off into the workforce and did community college during the mornings. My mom even started to take classes and we joked about being in class together. Let me just I remember, I used to say I can't wait to graduate high school thinking I'd be sleeping IN more-wroooooooong!! While adulting at an early age to juggle work, school n bills; my mom got sick n college was no longer priority. I think I did maaaybe a semester n let it fall by the wayside. Throughout my career(s) I'd always have sound advice from co-workers stressing the importance of higher learning. In the beginning, I wasn't eligible for grants and always heard the gripes of those paying car note sized loans for school which was the main deterrence I've always had-the burden of school loans! 

After I had Mason, I started working at the fire dept and came across the tuition reimbursement program offered which meant I'd pay up front and they paid me back in the end IF I completed classes with a passing grade. I still pitty patty'd back n forth with it not taking full advantage of the moment because I felt like I'm making the salary, if not more than those WITH college degrees soooo what's the point. So again, I started n didn't finish. I did the back n forth for years to come and just thinking about what I could've been did n accomplished with higher learning-I still have no regrets. I'm not gonna sit here and wallow in the "by now I could have" or "I could've been" becuz I truly don't know where I would've been had I stayed in college or where I'd of been working. I am grateful for the opportunity to have met the people I've met along the way who have all served a purpose in molding me. Many I still have relationships with beyond the office. My steps have been ordered with or without college. 

     For 2019, let's be all the way live and HONEST...aside from the plethora of benefits and honoring of ancestors we can do utilizing higher's not for everybody. I don't even think it's fair to force growing and under developed minds of younginz to make such drastic decisions of majors in what should be their future careers unless it's something they strongly show interest in (u know ur kids). I am all for leap years or pursuing college with a means that doesn't have to do with MY wallet or social attached to it. As parents, I get it, we want the best for them and don't want them to go through the same struggle. In today's times, there are many options besides a degree to advance in careers and life such as certifications and trades (unless u in a PhD-ish field). Everyone's definition of success is also different. I used to  chase "the bag" so much until I paused to take a step back and really focus on Mason n changed the pace of my career. Ever since then, the bag been chasing me. My decisions here on out is making quality of life a priority. I am not looking to drive fancy cars to park in the driveway of a mansion wit a white picket fence. There's offers received with the opportunity to make a higher salary and I've said no because it's not a good fit for MY life right now whether it's becuz of a longer commute or location. All money ain't good money but I am blessed to be in the position to do so. 

Although, I've digressed...let me wheel it back. I just recently within the past few years gotten serious about going back to school. Not for the sake of career advancement but my own personal growth and dedication to accomplish a personal goal. I wanted to FINALLY complete something. I also wanted to continue honoring my mama n finish what she didn't as well. It was merely unfinished business!! With the motivation of you guys and the inspirational stories of those before me, I DID IT!!! In the beginning, I ain't gonna was hard. No longer was I doing one class here and there but I took on 3 classes at a time. My job has been flexible and accommodating with school as they've been rooting for me as well. I struggle n HATE MAFF (no secret) so I used these scientists n engineers to assist me. Many of days we'd be in their offices going over formula's to figure out homework. I ain't never been so proud of a C in my life. Apparently, God needed to see me be consistent because I started getting blessed with grants in the end. It's because of those grants I was able to finish school n lessen my loans-wheeeeew FAVORED!!! 

So here's the catch...after all intentions was to celebrate quietly and to myself. I felt like since it's "only" an Associates n it took me so long, it's no big deal. This was a challenge for ME to accomplish and I downplayed it **slaps forehead** I even missed the deadline to walk n then said HOLD UP **cue lightbulb** umm...this shyt was NOT FREE!! I ain't get up in school wit no handouts via Crew Club n adjusted SAT scores. I've sacrificed many of nights (some last minute but still) working on papers n prepping notes for tests, all the while juggling mommyhood n work. I've attended classes throughout the week after work when I was drained n wanted to just go straight home to bed. I found the brain power to make this shyt happen **opens loan bill as reminder** AWWW HELL NAAAAH...

yall gonna see every bit of this milestone PHK THAT!!! Might not mean much to u, but it dmn sure means much to me. So here I am looking to get squeezed in the ceremony to walk. I get the green light (FAVORED) and it's go time. Mason was proud of me and I graced the stage with an extra light hovering over my cap. I am officially the first college grad (on my mama's side) to hold the title. I'm just in awe of myself and still letting it marinate to take it all in-I DID THAT!! 

And becuz I got more free monies...Imma take advantage of that n do it again :) I told the advisor LOOK...I ain't looking to be a doctor, lawyer or anything of that nature. I will take a degree in toe nail clippings if need be n long as I don't need to take another phkn MAFF class :7 

All of a sudden the tortoise n the hare race makes so much sense to me now. My heart is full...thank you ALL soooo much-the love and messages are definitely felt wit these extra hands pushin me to the finish line!! 

Smooches (from my mama-the light-and me)

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