Pregnant After 35: First Trimester

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June 2018; 8 wks


Round 2!!! Here we go again. The first appt was so exciting as my dr’s team was happy to see us again n welcomes us with open arms. I have clearly gained 10lbs already :7 as expected I guess cuz I’ve craved nothing but fried foods w/a hint of ice cream n sleeping. Exercise has not been on my radar but I do wanna get into yoga-it’s the thought that counts at this point cuz I dmn sure ain’t been acting on it. Weird, after finding out I had such a boost of energy then it slowly went away within the last few wks. Ugh!! I got one more semester until graduation soooo I’m curious as to how this will play out cuz I’ve envisioned waddling across the stage to grab my degree-by any means necessary tho! 




All went well at the dr n we are off to a good start. Surprisingly as divine timing would be…the due date is my birthday which comes full circle becuz it should’ve been that last time :D God is so amazing!! I am feelin fine. I take it one week at a time n ready to grab my handicap tag #Perks haha. In a few wks I gotta mentally prepare to get blood drawn which is always a struggle wit small veins n stitched up wit a cerclage to take precaution this go round. Don’t need no mishaps of early dilation even tho my cervix now is completely closed (prolly by default of living celibate) UGGGGH!!! **cue anxiety** The thought is setting in along with flashbacks n I know 2 wks will be here quicker than a Chinese carry out order. 




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Class of 2019: Unfinished Business

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This has been a looooong time comin. How long? Since 1999. Although college was stressed by my parents (mainly my dad), as a kid who ain't thinkin bout the value of it later in life, my attitude was like mmm meh...whatever. I guess its the "thing" to do right. As my friends ventured off to college, I ventured off into the workforce and did community college during the mornings. My mom even started to take classes and we joked about being in class together. Let me just say...as I remember, I used to say I can't wait to graduate high school thinking I'd be sleeping IN more-wroooooooong!! While adulting at an early age to juggle work, school n bills; my mom got sick n college was no longer priority. I think I did maaaybe a semester n let it fall by the wayside. Throughout my career(s) I'd always have sound advice from co-workers stressing the importance of higher learning. In the beginning, I wasn't eligible for grants and always heard the gripes of those paying car note sized loans for school which was the main deterrence I've always had-the burden of school loans! 











After I had Mason, I started working at the fire dept and came across the tuition reimbursement program offered which meant I'd pay up front and they paid me back in the end IF I completed classes with a passing grade. I still pitty patty'd back n forth with it not taking full advantage of the moment because I felt like I'm making the salary, if not more than those WITH college degrees soooo what's the point. So again, I started n didn't finish. I did the back n forth for years to come and just thinking about what I could've been did n accomplished with higher learning-I still have no regrets. I'm not gonna sit here and wallow in the "by now I could have" or "I could've been" becuz I truly don't know where I would've been had I stayed in college or where I'd of been working. I am grateful for the opportunity to have met the people I've met along the way who have all served a purpose in molding me. Many I still have relationships with beyond the office. My steps have been ordered with or without college. 










     For 2019, let's be all the way live and HONEST...aside from the plethora of benefits and honoring of ancestors we can do utilizing higher learnings....it's not for everybody. I don't even think it's fair to force growing and under developed minds of younginz to make such drastic decisions of majors in what should be their future careers unless it's something they strongly show interest in (u know ur kids). I am all for leap years or pursuing college with a means that doesn't have to do with MY wallet or social attached to it. As parents, I get it, we want the best for them and don't want them to go through the same struggle. In today's times, there are many options besides a degree to advance in careers and life such as certifications and trades (unless u in a PhD-ish field). Everyone's definition of success is also different. I used to  chase "the bag" so much until I paused to take a step back and really focus on Mason n changed the pace of my career. Ever since then, the bag been chasing me. My decisions here on out is making quality of life a priority. I am not looking to drive fancy cars to park in the driveway of a mansion wit a white picket fence. There's offers received with the opportunity to make a higher salary and I've said no because it's not a good fit for MY life right now whether it's becuz of a longer commute or location. All money ain't good money but I am blessed to be in the position to do so. 













Although, I've digressed...let me wheel it back. I just recently within the past few years gotten serious about going back to school. Not for the sake of career advancement but my own personal growth and dedication to accomplish a personal goal. I wanted to FINALLY complete something. I also wanted to continue honoring my mama n finish what she didn't as well. It was merely unfinished business!! With the motivation of you guys and the inspirational stories of those before me, I DID IT!!! In the beginning, I ain't gonna lie....it was hard. No longer was I doing one class here and there but I took on 3 classes at a time. My job has been flexible and accommodating with school as they've been rooting for me as well. I struggle n HATE MAFF (no secret) so I used these scientists n engineers to assist me. Many of days we'd be in their offices going over formula's to figure out homework. I ain't never been so proud of a C in my life. Apparently, God needed to see me be consistent because I started getting blessed with grants in the end. It's because of those grants I was able to finish school n lessen my loans-wheeeeew FAVORED!!! 





















So here's the catch...after all that...my intentions was to celebrate quietly and to myself. I felt like since it's "only" an Associates n it took me so long, it's no big deal. This was a challenge for ME to accomplish and I downplayed it **slaps forehead** I even missed the deadline to walk n then said HOLD UP **cue lightbulb** umm...this shyt was NOT FREE!! I ain't get up in school wit no handouts via Crew Club n adjusted SAT scores. I've sacrificed many of nights (some last minute but still) working on papers n prepping notes for tests, all the while juggling mommyhood n work. I've attended classes throughout the week after work when I was drained n wanted to just go straight home to bed. I found the brain power to make this shyt happen **opens loan bill as reminder** AWWW HELL NAAAAH...




yall gonna see every bit of this milestone PHK THAT!!! Might not mean much to u, but it dmn sure means much to me. So here I am looking to get squeezed in the ceremony to walk. I get the green light (FAVORED) and it's go time. Mason was proud of me and I graced the stage with an extra light hovering over my cap. I am officially the first college grad (on my mama's side) to hold the title. I'm just in awe of myself and still letting it marinate to take it all in-I DID THAT!! 




And becuz I got more free monies...Imma take advantage of that n do it again :) I told the advisor LOOK...I ain't looking to be a doctor, lawyer or anything of that nature. I will take a degree in toe nail clippings if need be n long as I don't need to take another phkn MAFF class :7 

All of a sudden the tortoise n the hare race makes so much sense to me now. My heart is full...thank you ALL soooo much-the love and messages are definitely felt wit these extra hands pushin me to the finish line!! 



Smooches (from my mama-the light-and me)

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Pregnant After 35: TTC

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May 2018


It’s such a beautiful feeling to really know ur body. If u pay close attention u can just feel the magic happen to know something is brewing. It’s unexplainable yet possible when ur in tune wit urself n it feels amazing. After tryin for months, I stopped payin attn honestly n was like eeeh it’ll happen when it happens. Got tired of peein on sticks anxiously awaiting for a positive answer n didn’t think nothing of it. I just continued to sit back n wait to bleed again wondering what is takin so dmn long THIS time. My Latino side must be fadin n I’m truly getting old cuz I’m normally a one hitta quitta. I meeeean I got tons of eggs I’ve seen firsthand sooo what’s the hold up **le sigh** my nerves must be getting the best of me cuz I am hungry AF for no reason. I’m full but obviously not cuz 2 hrs later my jaws back to work n I’m munchin. I made the most bomb honey ham n pepperoni sandwich wit all my gourmet fixins which is weird cuz I hadn’t had a taste for one of these since last time I was preg—O_O oh shyt…hold up…naaaah I just took a test the other day…well I over peed on it so it was kinda inconclusive. I been peein on sticks like every day after the good ol’ Stork n I’ve gotten used to one line from my cheapie test. Oh wait, I got this high tech digital one Dee got n it’ll tell u like 5 days sooner or something. Nope! Imma just wait for my cycle this month AGAIN. I ain’t tryin to get my hopes up too high so I’ll sleep on it. So what I have familiar cravings, prolly thinkin bout it too much.
Ok ok ok I can’t wait. I got a boost of energy outta nowhere n I’ve been tearin up some chocolate cashew clusters by the box too much (that shyt like $8 at wegmans). The signs can’t be any mo’ clearer now right :7 I’m within the 5 day window n this test is pretty simple but it’ll be the longest 3 minutes ever. Bout to put my kegals to good use so I don’t over pee n phk it up lol. Aight…Imma let it marinate n take my azz on to bed. I have no expectations on what it’ll say so might as well rest easy huh-
WRONG!!! I am literally stalkin the bars as it ticks from 1 to 3. I put it down, pick it up, put it back down, walk away, peek back n the bathroom. Got dmn my forehead sweating, my hands tingling-please don’t let me pass out cuz mason is knocked out sleep-oh my dmn these bars still movin? How many phkn seconds is in 3 minutes? Sheesh!! This joint must’ve malfunctioned. Lawwwwd I got a defective azz test **takes deep breathe** let me go watch TV…errr uuuh my dmn hands shakin, ok nah go check on the test cuz I know it’s been at least 10 min, ok no prolly like 5 but still…why do I feel like everything is slow motion. 




EEEEEEEEK!!!! OMG…this ain’t right. That’s it imma just wait for my cycle. I got the biggest lump in my throat-HOLY SHYT. I gotta call my boys…no I’ll wait…what if I die in my sleep tho…ok no I gotta tell em NOW. I need a glass of ice water first, shyt. Let me double check it cuz it might’ve changed back or something….NOPE!! Ok still there. Now my nose sweating-WTF!! I gotta chill out before I make this call n act calm AF. **deep exhale**I hate talkin on the phone…lemme facetime em so they know it’s real. Annnnnd ACTION: 4 weeks!!!

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The Art of Vulnerability

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Sometimes I pause before I hit submit to post some things becuz even iiiiii think I can be…tew much. Like how do u find the balance to not overshare yet still share just enuff esp as someone who’s a writer. I honestly don’t know becuz I just go with what my heart allows. It’s also easier for me becuz the shyt that comes to my mind is…I can’t possibly be the only one thinkin this soooo why hasn’t anyone else said shyt :7 Growing up I’ve obviously blocked out the “what will people think of u” mentality n do my own thang. When I was young I would say I’m from Mars-my mom said stop sayin that lol (hence my fascination with astronomy) but I’ve always just felt like I’m in my own lane n I’m cool with that. I feel like my vulnerable side didn’t come out til I went bald starting my natural hair journey. Honestly…that shyt is scary to not know what in the entire phk u gonna look like wit NO HAIR!! I was able to overcome one of the scariest moments n it’s the reason why hair means nothing to me now. I’ve been bald wit a fat face, skinny face, dry face, brows ain’t did face, full makeup face n in the end…it’s still ALL ME!! But why do I so freely tell yall my bidness tho…I can find a stranger n they know my life within hours…ask me a question n I’ll give u a straight up no fluff answer. Why??? Becuz guess what…I have no shame in my story. I have no shame about my life-past or present. When u see my True Hollywood Story (remember that show) or the next Unsung; there’s nothing u will hear to be like oh wow I never knew (well maybe). I have taken any power n leeway to be blackmailed lol. There is no scandals over here! 

I had a convo wit a guy who would get offended becuz I always joked about anybody wit more than 2 kids is too many n of course becuz he got more than…he felt some kind of way n said I act like I have no skeletons in my closet. Ummm….I don’t. I have shared quite often the tribe of kids that await me in heaven. That’s no secret. If there’s something I don’t want anyone to know-trust me-NOBODY would know.  Anyone who knows anything about me is becuz it was volunTOLD by me or witnessed (hearsay don't count). The things I admire most about people are ones willing to share their stories of struggle n abnormality without fear of judgement becuz let’s be honest…that’s mainly why we can be so silent in our stories. We don’t want it tossed back up in our faces later on or looked down upon for mistakes made. The times we are comin into is so sensitive n u can’t make the slightest pun or joke without it offending someone. I hate that. As a lover of comedy, I can appreciate the art of a comedian who tells a story of life experiences in such a way that although it may come off to some people as offensive, it’s not the intention behind the JOKE. There’s no malice in sharing their experience or feelings but shyt gets taken out of context too much. Remember when Kevin Hart gave up his spot to host The Oscars over an old azz tweet? That was so ridick to me. It’s like ooooh coooome oooon. U know dmn well Lil Kev is NOT homophobic n he ain’t tweet nothing different than how someone else feels in a jokey way. Maaaaan I am not deleting no old azz tweets nor am I gonna sit around n justify anything said or done years ago because we evolve with time. Thoughts n perspectives change with life experiences.

I said what I said-AND WHAT!!


Being vulnerable and letting ur guard down takes some balls. Are u willing to be the only one standing in a room? The odd one out? When I made the decision to speak about having a miscarriage it was such a weight lifted off my shoulder yet a relief becuz I received love n support from those who experienced the same. That’s what we need more of…support groups. A space where we can be open n real with each other to pour love into n not have to deal with it amongst ourselves. I started reading n seeing more women share their own stories and it was empowering for me to share more. My FAQ post almost didn't happen becuz I wasn't sure if would be well received n it's not often u hear about surrogacy yet I didn't wanna keep tip toeing bout it cuz I mean-it's apart of my life. 

Making mistakes is better than faking perfections
-Brother Leonard aka C Tha God

The stories u don’t typically read about often or know exists intrigue me. With time, I am becoming a better version of myself-not sorry! The delivery might come off abrasive but it's not with bad intent-I don't want no smoke! There may also be things I choose to keep private about annnnd I ain't explaining why or why not. Apart of my confidence comes wit owning my shyt n I'm in full control of every aspect. I shall continue to wear my heart on my sleeve through my safe haven of these pages on MY blog. By doin so, yes it opens me to ridicule or bein talked about and I’m fine with that becuz it comes wit the price of putting urself on the forefront. It's funny to me cuz I know some folks look to go viral n popular not knowing it unlocks pandora's box for trolls to scroll ur life span for display. My personality n alter ego is for the shyts, in reality I'm chillin behind the scenes. This isn't to come off like I'm solid as a rock **cue Ashford n Simpson song** or as if nothing can hurt me. I am human n I choose to share my scars differently. If your on the fence to speak out loud, I understand. I also know there's healing from sharing. Whether u agree or disagree, at least respect my story being told first hand by ME!

Smooches

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