Pregnant After 35: TTC

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May 2018


It’s such a beautiful feeling to really know ur body. If u pay close attention u can just feel the magic happen to know something is brewing. It’s unexplainable yet possible when ur in tune wit urself n it feels amazing. After tryin for months, I stopped payin attn honestly n was like eeeh it’ll happen when it happens. Got tired of peein on sticks anxiously awaiting for a positive answer n didn’t think nothing of it. I just continued to sit back n wait to bleed again wondering what is takin so dmn long THIS time. My Latino side must be fadin n I’m truly getting old cuz I’m normally a one hitta quitta. I meeeean I got tons of eggs I’ve seen firsthand sooo what’s the hold up **le sigh** my nerves must be getting the best of me cuz I am hungry AF for no reason. I’m full but obviously not cuz 2 hrs later my jaws back to work n I’m munchin. I made the most bomb honey ham n pepperoni sandwich wit all my gourmet fixins which is weird cuz I hadn’t had a taste for one of these since last time I was preg—O_O oh shyt…hold up…naaaah I just took a test the other day…well I over peed on it so it was kinda inconclusive. I been peein on sticks like every day after the good ol’ Stork n I’ve gotten used to one line from my cheapie test. Oh wait, I got this high tech digital one Dee got n it’ll tell u like 5 days sooner or something. Nope! Imma just wait for my cycle this month AGAIN. I ain’t tryin to get my hopes up too high so I’ll sleep on it. So what I have familiar cravings, prolly thinkin bout it too much.
Ok ok ok I can’t wait. I got a boost of energy outta nowhere n I’ve been tearin up some chocolate cashew clusters by the box too much (that shyt like $8 at wegmans). The signs can’t be any mo’ clearer now right :7 I’m within the 5 day window n this test is pretty simple but it’ll be the longest 3 minutes ever. Bout to put my kegals to good use so I don’t over pee n phk it up lol. Aight…Imma let it marinate n take my azz on to bed. I have no expectations on what it’ll say so might as well rest easy huh-
WRONG!!! I am literally stalkin the bars as it ticks from 1 to 3. I put it down, pick it up, put it back down, walk away, peek back n the bathroom. Got dmn my forehead sweating, my hands tingling-please don’t let me pass out cuz mason is knocked out sleep-oh my dmn these bars still movin? How many phkn seconds is in 3 minutes? Sheesh!! This joint must’ve malfunctioned. Lawwwwd I got a defective azz test **takes deep breathe** let me go watch TV…errr uuuh my dmn hands shakin, ok nah go check on the test cuz I know it’s been at least 10 min, ok no prolly like 5 but still…why do I feel like everything is slow motion. 




EEEEEEEEK!!!! OMG…this ain’t right. That’s it imma just wait for my cycle. I got the biggest lump in my throat-HOLY SHYT. I gotta call my boys…no I’ll wait…what if I die in my sleep tho…ok no I gotta tell em NOW. I need a glass of ice water first, shyt. Let me double check it cuz it might’ve changed back or something….NOPE!! Ok still there. Now my nose sweating-WTF!! I gotta chill out before I make this call n act calm AF. **deep exhale**I hate talkin on the phone…lemme facetime em so they know it’s real. Annnnnd ACTION: 4 weeks!!!

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The Art of Vulnerability

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Sometimes I pause before I hit submit to post some things becuz even iiiiii think I can be…tew much. Like how do u find the balance to not overshare yet still share just enuff esp as someone who’s a writer. I honestly don’t know becuz I just go with what my heart allows. It’s also easier for me becuz the shyt that comes to my mind is…I can’t possibly be the only one thinkin this soooo why hasn’t anyone else said shyt :7 Growing up I’ve obviously blocked out the “what will people think of u” mentality n do my own thang. When I was young I would say I’m from Mars-my mom said stop sayin that lol (hence my fascination with astronomy) but I’ve always just felt like I’m in my own lane n I’m cool with that. I feel like my vulnerable side didn’t come out til I went bald starting my natural hair journey. Honestly…that shyt is scary to not know what in the entire phk u gonna look like wit NO HAIR!! I was able to overcome one of the scariest moments n it’s the reason why hair means nothing to me now. I’ve been bald wit a fat face, skinny face, dry face, brows ain’t did face, full makeup face n in the end…it’s still ALL ME!! But why do I so freely tell yall my bidness tho…I can find a stranger n they know my life within hours…ask me a question n I’ll give u a straight up no fluff answer. Why??? Becuz guess what…I have no shame in my story. I have no shame about my life-past or present. When u see my True Hollywood Story (remember that show) or the next Unsung; there’s nothing u will hear to be like oh wow I never knew (well maybe). I have taken any power n leeway to be blackmailed lol. There is no scandals over here! 

I had a convo wit a guy who would get offended becuz I always joked about anybody wit more than 2 kids is too many n of course becuz he got more than…he felt some kind of way n said I act like I have no skeletons in my closet. Ummm….I don’t. I have shared quite often the tribe of kids that await me in heaven. That’s no secret. If there’s something I don’t want anyone to know-trust me-NOBODY would know.  Anyone who knows anything about me is becuz it was volunTOLD by me or witnessed (hearsay don't count). The things I admire most about people are ones willing to share their stories of struggle n abnormality without fear of judgement becuz let’s be honest…that’s mainly why we can be so silent in our stories. We don’t want it tossed back up in our faces later on or looked down upon for mistakes made. The times we are comin into is so sensitive n u can’t make the slightest pun or joke without it offending someone. I hate that. As a lover of comedy, I can appreciate the art of a comedian who tells a story of life experiences in such a way that although it may come off to some people as offensive, it’s not the intention behind the JOKE. There’s no malice in sharing their experience or feelings but shyt gets taken out of context too much. Remember when Kevin Hart gave up his spot to host The Oscars over an old azz tweet? That was so ridick to me. It’s like ooooh coooome oooon. U know dmn well Lil Kev is NOT homophobic n he ain’t tweet nothing different than how someone else feels in a jokey way. Maaaaan I am not deleting no old azz tweets nor am I gonna sit around n justify anything said or done years ago because we evolve with time. Thoughts n perspectives change with life experiences.

I said what I said-AND WHAT!!


Being vulnerable and letting ur guard down takes some balls. Are u willing to be the only one standing in a room? The odd one out? When I made the decision to speak about having a miscarriage it was such a weight lifted off my shoulder yet a relief becuz I received love n support from those who experienced the same. That’s what we need more of…support groups. A space where we can be open n real with each other to pour love into n not have to deal with it amongst ourselves. I started reading n seeing more women share their own stories and it was empowering for me to share more. My FAQ post almost didn't happen becuz I wasn't sure if would be well received n it's not often u hear about surrogacy yet I didn't wanna keep tip toeing bout it cuz I mean-it's apart of my life. 

Making mistakes is better than faking perfections
-Brother Leonard aka C Tha God

The stories u don’t typically read about often or know exists intrigue me. With time, I am becoming a better version of myself-not sorry! The delivery might come off abrasive but it's not with bad intent-I don't want no smoke! There may also be things I choose to keep private about annnnd I ain't explaining why or why not. Apart of my confidence comes wit owning my shyt n I'm in full control of every aspect. I shall continue to wear my heart on my sleeve through my safe haven of these pages on MY blog. By doin so, yes it opens me to ridicule or bein talked about and I’m fine with that becuz it comes wit the price of putting urself on the forefront. It's funny to me cuz I know some folks look to go viral n popular not knowing it unlocks pandora's box for trolls to scroll ur life span for display. My personality n alter ego is for the shyts, in reality I'm chillin behind the scenes. This isn't to come off like I'm solid as a rock **cue Ashford n Simpson song** or as if nothing can hurt me. I am human n I choose to share my scars differently. If your on the fence to speak out loud, I understand. I also know there's healing from sharing. Whether u agree or disagree, at least respect my story being told first hand by ME!

Smooches

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2019: Year of Inspiration

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Keeping within the trend of my motto: Inspire.Motivate.Elevate, the theme for 2019 will be Inspiration. After hibernating last year, I’ve been sparked to proceed with my creativity and lead intentionally into my next phase of life tapping into all aspects that apply ie motherhood, career, love, education and time. I want to make calculated moves that will benefit the direction I’m headed in. I know they’ll be some sacrifices along the way but it’s necessary in moving fwd. Being on maternity leave felt like foooorever! I am not meant to be a stay at home mom becuz I get bored fast. I spoiled Mason taking him to school every morning then I may have stopped pass Starbucks a time or 2. From the previous blog post..in my head, I was ready to hit the streets. In reality, my body still was not connecting that same energy to my brain to function. I needed to be reminded of major surgeries my body endured but I knew I couldn't get lost in being lazy because it would soon be time to return to work. The days of lounging and looking for things to do whether around the house (my closet still isn't fully purged) or outside for fresh air at my leisure would soon come to an end. 




My boost of energy came one day when I woke up and did my daily routine which also included checking out my favorite IG influencers, podcasts and seeing Wendy return to hosting. I knew I had a few weeks left and even the option of getting my leave extended but to draw from the strength of phenomenal women moved me. The anticipation of Spring moved me. The lazy procrastinating woman in me teetered on making the call to extend my leave and benefits by another month or so. The superwoman in me was fed up with life passing me by. It was time for me to get off my azz n get back in deez streets. I picked a date n typed up my email to send out **cue long pause** WAIT...maybe I'm not ready to go back **shakes head** Yea I am, what else am I doin? I'm blessed to have survived giving birth n being mobile **rubs healed incisions** NO, not yet **deletes return date** I..can't...**checks bank account** Bytch suck it up **re-enters date** I meeeean, ain't like I work in construction or nothing right? I gotta do this **takes deep breathe** SEND!!!


BOOM!!! CASH MONEY TAKIN OVER FOR THE 99 N 2000'S!!! Just like that IM BACK!! My first week back to work was umm...yea slightly overwhelming. Baby brain is so real lol. I be having dumb blonde moments and I hate asking a question then re-asking like oh yea what was that again? It's so weird. I made sure I eased back with later hours because my sleep is still just OFF. No, I don't have to be a slave to a baby every few hours but insomnia randomly sets in and I just didn't want to commit to early hours. I am thankful n grateful for the flexibility and understanding of co-workers. I eased in quite nicely. This year thus far has been so rewarding for me. I rev'd the engine n just took off. I feel soooo good. I am still finding my balance with work, school and motherhood. I am starting to feel the effects of dealing with a pre-teen so I may or may not be holding his neck in my hand while typing with one hand at this time! 



My Their Our baby is pushing THREE whole azz months!! I love seeing men be involved with their kids. My boys are finding their groove and killing it. They are in tune to his quirky ways n changes, I am so impressed and totally in love with their evolution into this parenting life. To know how overly loved this baby is, my heart just overflows. I stare at him, watch him smile at me n relish in the innocence he has. No preconception of the world or what it entails. A fresh brain empty from prejudice and no cares of anything or anyone-just pure love. It softens my heart. All he knows is SOMEBODY better feed n change me. You gotta talk to him or in my case...sing JODECI songs, he's so special. 


Ok so I've gotten my azz up off the couch...now what: to be honest, I'm still taking easing back into the world day by day. I wish women could be afforded longer maternity leave not just for your physical but mental. I can't imagine how mothers hop back into the working world after a hiatus with the added stress of a baby. I can't even remember how iiiii did it 12 yrs ago with Mason. You should definitely listen to your body tho. I get up early yet still move at a steady pace to not rush. It makes a difference in my mood lol. 
























So here's the crazy part...I don't know if this is a form of body dysmorphia or what but I feel like I appear smaller than I am :7 I am not pressured nor care to partake in the "snapback" movement. My body is naturally falling back into place-I guess! I meeeean, I was a good 8 months in the left pic n felt cheated from my baby bump. I know it seems like BAM I made an announcement then days later it was an arrival then VOILA I'm back to skinty-NO! My appetite is still in a awkward stage. Rarely do I eat meat (I am loyal to chicken) and I've adopted being a huge snacker. Chips are love, I became obsessed with Lindor's (I buy em 2 at a time), pumpkin seeds are the shyt n Starbucks became a horrible craving. Trust me, I have no secrets to losing weight after baby n my diet is faaaaar from Keto. My portions of a meal are small to say the least and even after all that...I'm still holding on to 20 lbs out of the 40 I gained. WTF!!! My Pamela Anderson boobs deflated to T-Boz's. I have been subjected to loose fitting clothes n still avoid fastening pants which constricts my waist into greatness only to emphasize the FUPA-ness lol. I wore some pants one day to work annnnd my thighs were clapping harder than Sister Gertrude at an Easter Sunday sermon. I said oh naaaah, I gotta call Kenya (my trainer) ASAP!! This is just unacceptable. 


I ain't bragging tho :P Speaking of shed...I got questions on the infamous postpartum hair loss. I know the myth is how much our hair grows during pregnancy. Not really the case. You just shed less. Then after baby guess what...all that long luxurious hair u credited to this lovely bundle of joy...comes falling out **cue scene from Tina Turner movie after her perm** I hate to sound like a unicorn buuuut I didn't shed no more than usual. I can't even say it's from a healthy hair regimen cuz again...I eat like shyt n I had my hair twisted up for months at a time. I will say my scalp was horribly dry along with the rest of my skin n I layered my moisturization using oil n butter combos. Between the seasons changing n my body coming back into normalcy it's getting better. My dry patches from "leopracy" (adult eczema) are fading too. Whhhheeeew the things we go thru to bring life into the world I tell ya :7 It's important for me to get back to self. Don't fall into the false expectations of what u see online with snapbacks n just go at ur own pace. Small steps turn into bigger triumphs in the long run. 

Jacket: ASOS
Dress: Goldenbird Boutique
Boots: Jeffrey Campbell (Nordies)

4th Trimester:
There's no formula I can offer to give new moms to get their mojo back. Everybody is different. I've seen other moms older than me bounce back quicker n some younger take longer. I just admire the strength of a woman no matter how big or small after babies to be incredible. I am still standing. I take advantage of the boost of energy I do get and be as productive as possible. My school work can at times suck the life out of what's left but in the end...it has to get done-period. I'm excited to step my big toe back into the world n come off the porch this season. THIS IS MY TIME!!! Muva is waking up from hibernation. Yaaaasssss, I be my own hype man lol. Heading into 2nd quarter of the year, I look forward to INSPIRATION. Whether I am inspiring or getting inspired. I love the transfer of energy in a positive way n the accountability to keep me pushing. We all need it. I have been on the bench for a long time...put me in the gaaaame coach!! 




Smooches


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Peek-A-Boo

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I am popping back in really quick n taking a break as I am spending alone time on an island reflecting on last year and making plans for this year. It feels soooo good to unplug n step away from the hustle n bustle of everyday life to wake up ocean side uninterrupted by an alarm clock n lolly gagging while sashaying in my caftan around the resort grounds. I'm not a beach person but my feet have exfoliated in the sand as I await the sunset. Oh let me make this quick becuz I gotta get ready for my massage appt **sips glass of non-alcoholic drink** Hmmm...what shall I indulge in later during dinner as the band entertains n I sweep the room to see who's the fun stranger to get the party started with a dance **takes another sip of water on the rocks** Although life can be tough n the weather shifty n cold, nothing is tougher than trying to figure out what your fixin's will be at the omelette station :7 I have been dreaming of this moment in what seems like forever. After all...I've been tied up 2018 n stayed local due to my condition lol. 


Honeychiiiile...DREAMIN is exactly what I was doing above because in reality, only break I'm taking is from completing this homework assignment for my psych class and prepping to catch on my DVR but not before I take a hot azz shower in slather myself in a tropical scent shower gel. In my head, I figured after baby I could whisk myself away to DR (possibly sneak in a tummy tuck) to rest while on maternity leave. WROOOOONG!!!! In my head, I was gonna leave the hospital n take a good week break then my body would snap back into grind mode n I'd be on my feet. WROOOOONG!!!! My body didn't want to play fair with my mind so the 2 have been at odds lately. Having a baby after 35 is no joke but more on that later...




He's here!! He's here!! My boys have now become my "Two and Uh Half Men" and I couldn't be more happier for them than I already was when I tossed myself into their lives lol. He is every bit of perfection and I am truly grateful for our team n support from family, friends, strangers and more importantly my amazing doctor n nurses who kept us prayed up n took care of us along the way. To say it takes a village is an understatement cuz good laaaaawd. During this break, I've been able to be reminded of this newborn life annnnd although its like riding a bike, I ain't no spring chicken. During my shift of being an extra set of hands I'm a slave to this baby at his every beckon call n sign of a cry. He's so tiny n cuddly <3 just melts my heart every time! Thinking back to when I had angels surround me and my Godmom (Gramnea) allowed me to take a break from mommy hood to watch Mason, I remember how appreciative I was n the feeling I had to sleep more than 3 hrs and wake up or even go to the bathroom without a baby attached. Baby Life is phkn HARD!!! 

Speaking of not being a spring chicken...even tho the days n weeks get mooshed into one as the world turns lol I am unaware of the clock n only know of night n day BUT I am officially 2 yrs from 40 **cue punch from reality check** and turned 38; Jan 26th!!! Yes...also in my head I did a birthday post...in reality: THIS IS IT!!!



Although I think I'm ready to hit the streets...I'm not. My body is still healing n my FUPA is sore from having a c-section. When I get a burst of energy I go window shopping, make my round at Wegmans until I realize I've been out too long n start to get dizzy so I carry my azz on home n kick my feet up. I have a small window to get fresh air of a good 3-4hrs. I hate it. My appetite is on junk food mode, I know I need to drink more water (but I've always sucked in this dept), I watch my bootcamp trainer from afar to prepare when I'm cleared. If you see me out n about, my uniform is sweatpants or pretty much anything wit an elastic waistline. WHY? oh becuz although I lost weight afterwards, my body is just wonky! I'm smaller than maternity clothes yet I dare not try to fasten jeans-weird. It's so in between. I hate it. I'm ready to take my braids out cuz these joints is dangling well over an inch (I've had em since what? Oct...early Nov) and they ready to Geronimoooooo at any given second BUT I know this postpartum shed is gonna be a bytch which means the take down, detangle, wash n style process will be an all day affair. I hate it. 






I am learning it's ok to take a break n not rush my healing, I meeeean it has only been like a month lol. I've said this before: I wanna be intentional with how I move this year in growing. I wanna enjoy living in the moment and not taking time for granted. Having a baby opened my eyes to realizing OH SHYT...Mason was once this same little baby cradled in my arms just 12 yrs ago. I embrace him n smother him with hugs n kisses while handing him the big brother title. He now has someone who will one day look up to him just as I do as the oldest of siblings. He's such a good kid <3 I am proud we have the relationship we have which is totally not the ideal annnnd WE good with that. He was of great help when I was preggers (don't believe his stories that I made him redo my toasts or other silly tales) I am the cool mom YET authoritative in a more relaxed way (plus I'm petty so he know I ain't for no shyt). He's not into this newborn stage so he looks from afar n I enjoy seeing him cringe when he hears the loud screeching cries from the baby. Overall, my boys are doing an amazing job. If ever there was a hall of fame board for best dads I'd plaster their faces with the stickers n give em stars with how loving, involved and present they are. I don't regret my decision at all. I shall be on hiatus until my mind n body see fit n my energy is fully restored :) 



Smooches



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