Didja Miss Me

Wow! Life really does come at u fast. I have abandoned my blog for quite some time now **looks at date from last post** HOLY CRAP!!! dmn near 5 weeks-EEEK!! I really appreciate the feedback n love from those who take time out to read my blog. I feel so loved :) My last post talkin bout my sleeve was liberating for me so I'm excited to move forward with the struggles iiiiiiiiii have even AFTER weight loss surgery. If your a parent I'm sure ur as excited I am to see kids BACK IN SCHOOL!!! Yaaaaaaaaay!!! Summer flew by and my only begotten son is now in the 3rd grade.

It's so crazy cuz I remember his 1st day in Pre-K **sniff** NO!! I'm not that parent who cries on the first day wit separation anxiety or emotional their no longer babies-oh naw!! I do have moments when I look back at pics n say dmn time waits on nothing. In another 9 years he'll be graduating high school n headed off to SOMEBODY college cuz he definitely gettin up outta here lol. 

I'm gonna be the mom to take a pic every year so I can hold the collage up during graduation lol.

One thing I've done with Mason since his very first day of school is start the tradition to get him a "back to school" gift on the 1st day. It's nothing big of course but just a lil something to rev the engine n motivate him for a good school year ahead. It's actually something he now looks forward to and he KNOWS to bring home good grades to keep the gifts coming. For now it's easy for me cuz he dnt want nothing much but a slurpee n xbox gift card but my sisters tease me all the time talkin bout when he gets in HS his gift will be cars-lmaooooo shyyyyyyyyyyt!!! 

Let's seeeee what else should I catch u guys up on....oh yea...I've been in the public safety world for a good 8 years. It's an interesting job to have and I honestly just fell into it and stuck with it becuz the money is pretty dmn good. It was just what I needed with a newborn and over the years it has afforded me vacations, helping loved ones and whatever our hearts desired. I went into the job with the attitude of "its a job" not knowing that I'd grow close to people who I would eventually call family. The fire dept is a close knit unit which I meeeean I guess u would have to be when u literally spend the majority of ur life (12-24 hr days) with em more than ur own family.  Nonetheless, I know ME. I can't fake nor hide how I feel. I've had many self-evaluaing moments to myself where I would go to work thinking "ok now what". Don't get me wrong, the joy in saving lives and entertaining old folks who just call up to talk are rewarding but I was not fulfilled in MY position. With the changes in management and a merge with police, I had my nuff BUT my job search was long n hard because I wasn't ready to take a pay cut. It was easy for me to have that cushion and security blanket of knowing I could take a few extra days of overtime to pay for an upcoming vacation or holiday season rollin around-I was on it!!! I've missed a many of family/friends moments, holiday's and quality time from Mason becuz of my greed to chase a dollar and/or shift schedule. What I had to come to realize IS....money dnt mean shyt when u aint happy! I was not happy yet I still went to work and did my job feeling unappreciated as I observed the difference in how I was treated vs someone less vested. I like to shop at Target, not be one mmmm k n got tired of being the 2Pac amongst the group. I worked with a great group of people where we laugh to keep from crying, motivate and uplift each other. I just knew for ME it was just time to move on elsewhere, just where I didn't know. 

Me as I did my FINAL night at work

It's funny how fast life comes at u and I enjoy the unknown. I had been job searchin for a long time and it wasn't until earlier this year I said I will consider a pay cut within reason. I started shopping with the attitude of 9 to 5 attire and even turned in my uniforms at the current job becuz I already determined to step out on faith and claim it to the heavens above that by Fall 2015 I would no longer be in my current position. I didn't know where I'd be workin, I just knew it wasn't gonna be public safety. It was just something I prayed on n felt in my heart of hearts becuz I wasn't happy. I could no longer be content with where I was becuz of the money. Mason will be 9 this year and he's playing sports and I want to be there. I needed a flexible job to do so. Making the transition to leave was bittersweet for me. I enjoy the luxuries of shopping during the week while everyone is at work, empty movie theatre's during matinees and being off while others work. The downside was working holidays n wknds when everyone is making cookout plans, girls night outs n facetime sessions with Mason cuz he misses me. It was just time for change. I like being challenged and learning new things. I knew I made the right decision for ME. When I gave Mason the exciting news of a new job where I'd be with him every night and no longer needed to be back n forth between his dad's house n mine he had the look of relief followed by a big azz smile. I love the flexibility to see his practices n games and picking him up from school to go home n cook while he's doin homework. I am there now-like all the time there!! To see my baby with the biggest smile becuz im there means the world to me. He recently said to me "mommy are u comin to my game becuz gramnea goes to all the Delaware State games and they win becuz she's good luck for the team so if u come to my games then we will win too" **cue aaaaaah's**

 Although I'm back to the real world on a "normal" schedule, I'm still a homebody. My Friday nights consists of falling asleep by 10p snuggled with this little fella and when he's happy, I'm happy. I am excited where I am now with learning new people, new possibilities and a new career. To anyone who goes to work feeling unfilled, uneasy and just not happy-it's up to you to get outta the rut and do you but be patient becuz it'll happen when it's meant to be and you'll just go with that gut feeling and intuition on what to choose from. I'm learning to adjust and realign becuz to someone else it might appear as a setback becuz we're in a world where it's all about the benjamins. The money loss is merely temporary for me becuz God is good all the time, and he will always make a way. I got plenty of testimonies where I've made $2 out of 15 cents honey...dnt get me started cuz I look back wondering How Sway? How? Then I realize it ain't nobody but the man above who looks out for his peoples. I AM COVERED yes indeed. After going through what I've gone through I've grown to learn one thing u can't put a price on is PEACE OF MIND!!!! (and playin dress up aint never hurt nobody **cue Kid n Play song**)

Shirt: Vince Camuto from Nordy Rack ($10), Skirt: JCPenny ($16), Shoes: Jessica Simpson from Nordy Rack ($30)

Smooches

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How I Lost Weight

I feel this should be a pretty popular post since I get the questions asked quite often lately. I might have to break this up in more than one post becuz yall know I write a lot lol. I think I've been putting this post off for a while now becuz I don't even know where to begin and contemplated IF I should even start. I just knew in my heart of hearts I couldn't continue journaling with my "life of uh former fat girl" series if I skipped over the beginning. If you read my A-Ha moment than I'll pick up where I left off and as usual I'm gonna be real, raw and transparent as I can possibly be....

A few years ago when I noticed my weight would go up and down I considered lipo. I didn't care to focus on anything other than the removal of my big azz gut. I threw it out there and folks laughed at me. Why people always take me for a joke oooooh I don't know but I was serious yet not serious. It was then I conjured up every possible way to see how I could go about this lipo. I came across all types of weight loss surgeries but I knew dmn well my insurance wasn't having it. I wasn't big enuff to qualify for gastric bypass so I looked into the lap band. My doctor was like ummm no and stated I didn't need it BUT she did give me a heads up on the process. Basically I'd have to lose 20lbs on my own, go in front of a board of doctors who would approve or disapprove and take a host of classes n blah blah blah. I'm liiiiike if I could lose the 20 on my own I wouldn't be askin in the first place-DUH! The lap band was a no go anyways cuz after I did more research on it, I found too many complications that could come with it like the band slippin, ending up wit 2 stomachs n that alone was enuff for me to be like yea umm NO! My curly sister Tai had posted something about losing weight around Oct/Nov 2013 and I hit her up to ask what, when and how. She told me of the diet she was on to lose the weight and I was still skeptical. I think I'm pretty much allergic to diets. I see all these shake challenges, no sugar diets, phk carb diets, drink the sweat from monkey balls diet and everyone miraculously loses weight. I was like ummm yea lemme sit back n do more research on this til I fully commit. I clocked her progress and bombarded her wit tons of questions. She was really patient with me but I was just so intrigued especially to see such amazing results. In the midst of watching her I was trying to do my own thing ie gym, eat right n whatever else that clearly was not working. Finally Feb 2014 after gathering all the facts I could, getting answers to all the questions I had, joining forums and support groups I made my mind up to go for the gusto and make what would be the best decision of my life....

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I scheduled my appointment to have Gastric Sleeve Surgery!!!! BOOM!!! Not only did I decide on weight loss surgery (WLS) I had it done in MEXICO!! BOOM-POW!! Whatever u are thinking, I've heard it all and before u judge please know-u don't know my story. I booked my appt in Feb for April so I had 2 months to gear up to take the plunge. I only told a select group of people. Why? Becuz I know the stigma and stereotype behind getting surgery in foreign countries and I honestly didn't need a whole bunch of people in my ear about it. My friends tried to talk me out of it in any way possible but I've never been the one to fall into peer pressure. When my mind is made up it's just that. I know what I want and I go hard at it. I did the research. I learned the pros and cons and I made the choice of the sleeve becuz it was the least amount of risk for complications. To do something so permanent initially scared me but I had to be optimistic of the outcome. Why Mexico? I knew I wouldn't get approved thru my insurance company and IF I did have that possibility it would take a good 6-9 months sometimes longer to make it through the process beginning to end. I had carried my weight far too long. The cost is mainly the reason for medical tourism in foreign countries so let me break it down really quick: here in the states the surgery can cost u from $18-40k and Mexico $4-8k. Oh but wait...u don't trust doctors in Mexico huh? I think people seem to forget the majority of malpractice here in the states does actually happen too. I AM NOT SPEAKIN ON ALL SURGERIES AND ALL FOREIGN DOCTORS. At the end of the day whether u get surgery in the states or outside the states....DO YOUR RESEARCH!! I did extensive research as I do anything I show interest in. I didn't necessarily go with the cheapest yet I went off a referral from Tai. She passed on everything she knew and I took it from there. So within those 2 months aka my waiting period, I went back and forth with my decision. I was standing strong in my decision but I would be lying if I didn't slightly think of the cons my select group of people would put in my head. What if I go over there and die? What if my surgery doesn't go right? All types of what if's circled in my head but seeeee I'm the type of person who's like anything can happen to anybody no matter where u are. I feel like my life is written and only God knows how I'm suppose to go out. That's why I have no fear of dying. Folks see plane crashes on tv and never wanna fly. For what? U see car accidents everyday but still drive don't u. I've seen plenty of Final Destination movies to know...u can't hide from the grim reaper lol.

 

April 2014

 

It's Friday and I'm headed out to Mexico, by myself, not knowing what to expect. I get to the airport and meet up with 2 other women who are there for the same thing. We all greet each other as we learn we're waiting for the same ride to see the same doctor. One laydee brought her bestie who had the surgery the previous year so she was instantly our "guide". We get to the medical facility (no it's not a hospital like here) and we meet with the doctor. My doctor explained the process thoroughly. He doesn't do more than 3 surgeries a day and does the proper blood work to determine if he'll proceed or not. I felt at ease. We all swapped stories on how we ended up in Mexico and what we were looking forward to after the success of the surgery. The nurses are such angels and catered to our every need. As I'm getting blood work done and medication I notice the facility is clean-cleaner than back at home believe it or not and I am the last one up to bat. The nurse comes in and says "ok the laydeez before u went well and ur next". HOLY SHYT my heart starts beating a tad bit faster and my tough girl exterior slowly fades. I can NOT believe I'm really about to do this. If I don't make it what will become of Mason? Awww dmn my makeup stash which I'm sure my sisters wont have a problem shuffling through **rolls eyes** So I get wheeled in the operation room and my head is on swivel at all the medical equipment which I meeeean looks pretty up to date to me. My palms are sweaty and I'm just continuously praying to the good Lord above to do me right. I'm looking at the doctor who's prepped up and he begins to again explain what he's gonna do to me. As he's talkin I totally hear his voice go to something I can understand to Charlie Brown's teacher becuz my mind is racing with so many thoughts at this point. Fast fwd...I wake up from surgery which was a success! Thank God. I am comfortably taken care of and I'm like WOW! Kisha u crazy as hell but u did it. 

 

 



 

Saturday we are closely monitored to make sure everything's on track to heal up well. I had no appetite but it don't matter if u do cuz u can't eat shyt but a popsicle which seemed like the best dmn popsicle I ever had in my life. I sent a message to let my peeps know I'm still alive and rest easy. YES, I have all my organs mmmm k lol. Sunday me and my newfound sleeve sister go to the Recovery House outside the facility. We are both excited and reflecting on our "fat days" already. By Monday I was flyin' back home and recovery time was a breeze. What I did isn't for everyone and nothing comes easy. I made the decision to do WLS to merely use it as a tool to jumpstart myself to healthy living. Some people may look at it as if ur cheating or not doing it the "right way" but at the end of the day I don't regret my decision one bit and would do it again in a heart beat. When people hear Mexico they instantly go to the image media portrays depicting a 3rd world country or Mexican hoodlums kidnapping Americans. Even vacationing I've never felt unsafe and I like to venture off tourist spots n kick it with the locals.

 

Tai & I

 

 

I tell Tai all the time but this woman literally saved my LIFE!! Had she not been open to share her own journey I don't think I would've ignited the fire I had to make the moves I did to make it happen. I did what I had to do for ME. I can't take care of my family if I don't have my own shyt together. Like I always say...I have nothing to prove to nobody. If u wanna lose weight naturally, do that but don't bash others who chose a different path to get to the finish line. Everyone has their own stories and ur journey is just that-YOUR OWN. Quiet as kept what u don't know is surgery is the easy part and the real challenge comes AFTER.  I didn't just wake up after surgery 100lbs lighter. I still had to put in work to get to where I am today. It's not easy and please know, I am not an advocate or poster child for the gastric sleeve procedure and I can only give u advice and answer questions from what iiiiiiiii went through. I didn't follow the rules n did my own thing as far as properly caring for urself afterwards. I still keep in touch with my sleeve sisters and peek into the forums to keep up with what to expect years down the line. It's been a year and it's only the beginning for me. I'm still learning how to utilize my sleeve. I purposely didn't go into what the sleeve actually is becuz if ur interested u need to google it and read up on the many articles n info available on the web. I am here for any questions u have pertaining to MY experience. From what I've learned (and seen) more people participate in medical tourism with plenty of successful stories than what's put out there yet they only harp on that one mishap to ruin everyone's perception. Cost isn't the only reason people go overseas for procedures. U have privacy and better care. My nurses and treatment was better in Mexico than when I was stuck in the hospital for 4 days after giving birth in DC. Eventually I wanna go back for "plastics" but that's no time soon. WELP!! Glad I got that off my chest and into the universe. Now I can proceed to talk about the REAL work that starts and the emotional rollercoaster losing weight brings. That's the part I didn't prep for and now I understand why insurance companies would make u take therapy sessions BEFORE surgery becuz it really is....I can't explain it but it's something else.

 

 

 

 

 

Smooches

 

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Imperfectly Confident

Tiffany Joseph Photography

 

I really wish I could hand out the confidence I possess to others. Some people might think it's vain but in actuality I'm pretty darn humble. It took a loooong time for me to get to this point. When u are goin thru those growin pains u can be pretty reckless with urself dealing with insecurities and lack of self-esteem. I see a lot of lost young girls (and adults) roaming the streets these days thinking u need to be half naked and twerking for attention. Sexy to me isn't the tightest body con dress u can squeeze into nor is it a low cut dress exposing boobs n the shortest skirt to flash ur azz. Sex appeal comes in to how well u carry urself. It's a certain type of swag u either got it or u don't. For me, I feel sexy in pants. I'm talkin wide leg preferably palazzo's and a crisp blouse. U have a certain air about urself depending on how u feel to coordinate with what u wear. U don't walk the same in jeans as u do dressed up or u might hold ur head high knowing u just got ur hair n nails done vs that off week (we all got em, dnt fake). Confidence is another thing that can't be taught nor bought. I have such a soft spot for short crop gals becuz I know u have to have a certain confidence within urself to pull it off. You have to really be sure of WHO u are to completely not have what some folks use as a security blanket. I don't wanna toot my own horn but lemme get on my Yeezy for a hot second:

One thing I know I can't do is apologize for being ME! There's only one of me for a reason-I'm just too much hunty! I am a woman in every sense of the word and I have insecurities-naturally. Do I lack confidence? NO!! Why? Becuz I don't look for validation from no man nor woman to define who I am. I've learned whether u do good or bad folks will always have something to say. You can be a pillar of ur community n folks will look for any loopholes from ur past to discredit u. Perfect or imperfect it don't matter soooo why should I care what someone thinks of me? When I'm fat they will talk. When I have less poundage they will talk. At the end of the day why would u be press to impress someone or pretend to be something ur not when they will still talk? I don't play into the smoke n mirrors folks play these days and it's kinda sad that people post up these "Life is Grand", "I Love Myself" and "Relationship Goals" facades to the universe knowing dmn well life isn't what it seems and they wanna fake as if everything is peachy!!  We don't know what folks do behind closed doors. You go off the appearance they present to u whether it's real or fake. People these days don't live in their truth becuz they care what people think of them!! Actually dmn I just freestyled that one and surprised even myself...lemme say it one more time: PEOPLE THESE DAYS DON'T LIVE IN THEIR TRUTH BECUZ THEY CARE WHAT PEOPLE THINK OF THEM!!

There are miserable couples who are staying together knowing dmn well their heart isn't into it becuz their the examples to those who know them as "the perfect couple" so oh no they can't break up n let us down becuz who will we then look up to for "relationship goals" (hell u see media keeps divorcing Will n Jada). You have people in the closet and/or remain in denial becuz if they came out they fear ridicule from whomever. That one "I love myself" chick know dmn well she's hurt from her last relationship so she gotta pretend she's good and moved on to some new dude even tho she aint got over the last one. My thing is...when u love urself...I mean TRULY love yo' self-u don't have to make a billboard sign for it cuz it'll automatically show. I get it, I get it. Nobody wants to show their vulnerable side in fear of what others will say or think of them. Me personally...I have the most nonchalant, IDGAF type of attitude when it comes to people's opinions of me becuz I'm used to being prejudged n stereotyped before I even open my mouth. Why? Becuz of my appearance alone-I'm not eeeeeeven gonna go there wit the lightskin stigma. Do I have my bad days-Yes! I don't feel pretty every day. Am I single? Yes. Do I like it? No but I think too highly of myself to settle n be content. At this point in my life-it's mandatory to treat me right or u gots to go! I'm to the point I'm not even giving 2nd chances these days. For whaaaaat. We grown now! I kinda digressed but my nonchalant attitude comes from knowing I have nothing to prove to anybody-NOBODY!!! Also becuz I work hard for everything I have. I just can't seem to fathom the idea of entertaining people's FREE misconceptions n opinions of me.  I have always been a leader in my own right. I go left when others go right (not just cuz I'm left-handed #TeamFlanders). I'm an open book and I don't pretend to be someone I'm not. What u see is what u get wit me if u ever get to know me. My confidence comes from knowing I've overcome obstacles thrown at me whether planned or last minute. My confidence comes from proving those who counted me out wrong. My confidence comes from knowing I don't always have to use my words or bust u upside the head to prove my point. Sometimes what's understood doesn't have to be said. I am resilient and still standing. Materialistic things in life don't make or break me becuz I know what it's like to have and not have. So u dmn right with every step I take I feel like Wonder Woman and dmn it u should too.

 



Smooches

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#NoMakeup

To piggy back off of my previous post I wanted to touch on this whole new epidemic of Anti-MakeupERS who feel the need to bash n judge those who wear it for whatever reason. I find it funny to see and hear men say they like their women "natural" with no makeup yet break their necks n drool over these IG models, Kim K wannabe's and etc. The endless jokes of sorcery, bein fake and having something to hide cuz u wear makeup is hilarious. Does anyone call out men for being out poppin bottles in the club knowin dmn well they got $2 in they pockets or splurging at the strip club when they don't pay child support or how bout claiming this newfound "Boss" title folks throw around n give us the impression becuz they drive fancy cars n wear nice clothes they ballin' but all the while moochin off a woman and broke living off scams-OOPS!!

I read endless comments from women on social media who say certain comments and it's merely becuz if ur not in the makeup world....u wouldn't understand it-point blank period! I used to feel I had to "dumb down" or suppress my love for makeup becuz I know yall dnt understand the excitement of what I feel when a new collection comes out. I can get lost in Sephora for hours on end and has gotten to the point where SOON as Mason sees those black n white stripe doors he does the biggest sigh ever and finds a spot in the corner to leave me be. I am a regular at my makeup counters and have established relationships with my gals (and gents) which come with plenty of VIP perks **pops collar** and they loooove me. I have resorted to go underground aka makeup forums to share my love and excitement in the world of makeup and I learn ALOT. I know of products that are in the making, what's new to try and even collections my peeps at the counters don't even know of lol. We speak a certain language ie MAC dupes for UTA are MLM & RRB!! I just wanna debunk some of the myths of those who don't understand us:

Women who wear makeup are insecure and have something to hide
Interesting!! I didn't know there were so many psychologist to diagnose makeup-ERS. I love how folks automatically judge n assume someone's lack of confidence merely becuz they throw on foundation. Are my under eyes darker than Wesley Snipes chin? YES! But the truth of the matter is...I'm in deez streets wit NO makeup on-ALL the time. I prolly throw a face on maaaaybe once a week and even that's pushin it. I am faaaar from insecure and I don't know of anyone who throws on a face becuz they feel insecure. I meeeean technically makeup doesn't change ur physical face (unless u not using ur correct shade lol).

Why would anyone wanna spend so much money on makeup
How is what iiiiii choose to spend myyyyy money on affect anybody? Does it come outta ur pocket? Do I ask u for anything? If I choose to eat oodles n noodles cuz I splurge on makeup or do somethin strange for some change **wipes corner of mouth** does that have any bearings on what YOU do with ur life? I dnt need to justify HOW I support my harmless addiction but my point is...does the earth stop turning? Does the clock pause? And does the world end? Everyone has their own vice! Everyone has something they love to spend their money on! It's funny when I overhear and see folks who aren't into makeup say "oh I would never spend that on blah blah blah" as they have a designer bag on their shoulder. U may choose to splurge on bags, weaves, clothes or whatever and I choose to COLLECT n have a habit in makeup. Plain n simple. I dnt like a lot of things (I just can't get wit sushi) but I wouldn't knock anyone cuz it's not MY style. I don't drink so I can't fathom the thought of dropping $40 plus on liquor but hey-that's just me!

You should learn to love yourself and just show your true natural self
Well, Well, Well if this ain't a bunch of crock if I've ever heard it. Can you imagine what people would look like on TV in videos and movies with NO MAKEUP??? EEEK!! Soooo lemme get this straight...I don't love myself becuz I like to toss shadow on my eyes n glide lipstick across my lips? I wanna see folks show their true natural self and stop faking like they can afford that Benz when they should really drive a Corolla. I wanna see folks show they true natural self n stop buying these fake azz designer bags. I wanna see men show they true natural self n stop holding on to that receding hairline or penciling in a Teddy Riley goatee that clearly won't ever connect. I like to dye my hair. Does that mean I don't love myself? Do you walk out the house with no deodorant on? Let ur natural scent come thru...come ooooon be natural right? yea ok!! Your true natural self is being who u are regardless of what u wear or have on ur face.

If you love to walk out the house wit no makeup-kudos to you for being boring n not exploring all that life has to offer u haha. No but really, who cares!! You don't get a special face award for going bare ya know. You secretly wanna do what we do and u just don't know how. Doesn't mean u need to bash how fab we look cuz ur dry dusty azz don't wear more than Vaseline on ur lips. Oh wait lemme guess..u don't have time to throw all this makeup on huh? Welp! people make time for what they want and I choose to carve out time to throw on a beat (extra time if I wanna fight wit lashes). Bottom line is let people enjoy their hobby of makeup. I don't do it for attention even though it's inevitable ur gonna give it to me but that's not cuz of makeup ;) Men kill me thinkin we go out of our way for them to look at us (well yea some thirst buckets do but still) I'm just like dmn for the love of ray j does anybody knock a drink out ur hand to tell u "u don't need that drink"? NO! Some of yall waving the natural face flag might wanna consider throwin something on ya faces. I mean nobody said u need to go full throttle with makeup but step outside the box sometimes. Do I need it? No. I'm perfectly comfortable in and out of makeup but honeychiiiiiiiild **sprinkles glitter** I am myself to the 10th power wit the full beat **cue the most obnoxious Tamar Braxton impression ever** I love makeup as an art form but in the real world I live in I use it to enhance what I'm working with. If I could have it my way I'd look like a drag queen in the day time n not give 2 shyts bout what anyone thinks. Do I peep faux pas with some of these hatchet faces walkin round? yes! they are merely misguided n need to find their way. That's all lol but what I won't do is have to explain and defend what I love becuz it's not ur cup of tea. You might accessorize with jewelry and I accessorize with my face. It's just that simple. Plus there's no need to fake like u don't feel extra pretty, extra special when u get ur face made up. Every girly girl loves to feel pretty and if throwing on a new lipstick or gloss does just that why not.

Smooches

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