Spring Break '18

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A few weeks ago I enjoyed spring break awaaaay! Just away. Not away from home, work or life but away from social media. I always hear n see folks taking social media breaks n it seems to do some kind of good so I figured what better time to break away than Spring Break. I needed to do some revamping anyways. I was growing bored n uninspired by everything. I knew I needed to regroup and re-evaluate some moves or lack of I was making. Where do u begin when u know u need some type of change to refocus in the right direction n build some steam for the boat to go full steam ahead...

I enjoyed a wonderful spa day filled with a massage n facial w/a hint of lounging n capped off with lunch. I grabbed this book on a whim because it spoke to me. I only intended to get one book n seen the "inspire & motivation" section <3 I was like oh wow...I preach this myself so lemme take a looksy. The practice of mindfulness is confirmation for me that I am on the right path of the energy I've been exuding for a while now. Within the last few years or so I have witnessed n been apart of the importance to manifest the things u want in life. I show gratitude wholeheartedly for what I have, don't have n what's to come. I pay more attention to the universe talking to me n I can honestly say-it's dangerous to be so mindful n aware. I am literally scared of myself. There are times it's hard to sleep feeling like something unknown is gonna make such a positive impact in ur life but u don't know when or how. Learning to be in tune with my body as I've previously stated was just the beginning. I've leveled up since through reading this book. 

There are numerous books on Mindfulness. It kinda reminds me of the lifestyle of a Buddhist because it offers ways to practice meditation and just basically not making life more complicated than it has to be. With recent changes since the new year began I've been learning the art of patience. I've also recognized that listen n silent are composed of the same letters. For someone as openly opinionated, sarcastic n expressive sometimes it feels good to sit back on mute n just let shyt play out (as I foresee they will). A wise man once told me "sometimes peeping is better than speaking" so I've been doin just that. Erybody gotta learn for themselves but the told ya so windows stay cleaned with windex lol. 

I am a humorous person who might joke a lot but one thing I know I won't compromise is my PEACE n space of positive energy. You ever notice as time goes on there's a distance between friends and/or family. Yes, life does happen where u might drift off for whatever reason but at the end of the day we make time for what we want. We prioritize as we see fit. I choose to not put myself in uncomfortable situations where I might pop off nor do I wanna engage in reality show types of behaviors (i.e ratchet shyt). I'm on the hunt for spiritual and empowering retreats with an open mind to connect with a good tribe of like minded people. I need and appreciate accountability partners because I am a procrastinator n I do need a jolt here n there. I meeeean I almost didn't even do this post but it was on my heart for weeks n I needed to dump it so I can move forward. So I am appreciative for those that do hit me up like "Kisha get yo shyt together and..." 

Aside from reading books for personal growth, I've taken a liking to podcasts. So I will be honest...when I upgraded my phone a few yrs ago n seen the app I immediately deleted it becuz I just didn't have an interest into it. Part of my loss of inspiration-the radio. I just got tired of listening to music...period. I added the app back, asked for suggestions on good podcasts n been loving it ever since. I mix it up between ratchet: Brilliant Idiots, Breakfast Club, The Read (I feel like I should be on there myself) and Joe Budden & friends. Because I need a balance to not just soak up ratchet shyt, I tone it down with Hey Girl by Alex Elle, Myliek Teele, Oprah Super Soul Sessions and start my day with The Quote of the Day for an inspirational quote that sets the tone. Marci actually put me on to some good branding business ones like Hashtag n Stilettos n side hustle pro which host a wealth of info. 

So although I wasn't being the typical college student who jetted off to Florida or Cancun for keg parties n wet tshirt contests (remember those girls gone wild days lol) n opted for table of one's curled up in a book at Cheesecake Factory or Panera and scenic routes to enjoy listening to the last 30 min of a good podcast show. I've continued it even after spring break. Every few days just taking a break has done wonders. Putting the phone down to be present and in the moment is important. People watching is quite fun too. 

I still have a soft spot for makeup although I haven't been wow'd by anything in a long time. With me dwindling my stash down, tossing shyt that doesn't work or gone bad n overall recognizing there is no color or finish of shades I don't have or haven't tried, I'm not inclined to impulsively try makeup like I used to. I am boring n hella natural faced at work (Mon-Thurs, bare af on Fri) and even being a homebody when I do throw a face on it's so un-drag like...ugh!!! I'm tryin to be a minimalist y'all lol. Skincare has been my biggest obsession now tho. It's really tough to review or get a good take on becuz u don't see the results til after a few weeks or months of consistently using it. With the wonkiness of the climate my face needed an overhaul. My regimen was not cutting it. I've found this combo from Kiehl's to be effective within a week. My target was dry under eyes n becuz I seen how fast their dark spot serum works I feel its a trusted brand worthy to be rotated in my stash. The eye treatment is RICH n thick so I was taught to emulsify it in my fingers FIRST then pat it vs just wiping n smearing it to apply-trust me how u use it makes a big difference n I'm just now learning this **le sigh**

Aaaaah so Spring is here n we are surely ready for warmer days but as a winter baby n lover of snow...I am here for it all. I think it's quite interesting that it snowed literally on the first day of Spring. That says a lot yet we not paying attention because it's overshadowed with grunts of angry birds. God has a sense of humor that's for sure. I'm just ready for these months to get a move on. I am gearing up for the next chapter in my life of elevation n soooo excited of a bright future. After this semester, I have 2 classes left before I graduate-EEEEK!!! freaking graduaaaate. I'm looking forward to that n Mason transitioning into middle school (lawd I'm not ready).

Hair: The Damn Salon (urban twist)
Top: Topshop @nordstrom
camo: I've had these since my fat days-can't remember
boots: Isabel Marant @closetsavvyconsigment (IG)
photographer: Mason

So yea...don't mind me. Just over here minding my business n letting my edges flourish as I continue to wallow in greatness. I do suggest a break here n there to revamp because u come back wit a different mindset. It can be an enlightening moment when u pause to pay attention n actually listen to the instincts u prolly been shutting out wit so much chatter of the surroundings. I've thrown a few things into the atmosphere n we shall see how they fall. My sister is into tapping into those 7 chakra's n healing crystals so I need her to gimme a beginners guide. Last time I hugged her n she said she felt my energy-like strong energy O_o I must be doin something right lol. I just want to continue to live right n do whatever God puts on my heart to do. 


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2018: Year of Elevation

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In my recent post for my birthday, I spoke on coming into my womanhood. It has not been easy and a long time coming. There was once upon a time where I didn't love myself nor value who I was as a person n lived dangerously to say the least not caring who I hurt n not realizing I was merely hurting myself. The older I got, the more I realized I wanted more yet adjusted my standards to fit the situation annnnd still didn't end well. After many failed relationships, I had to step back and re-evaluate my life. This is where we need to hold ourselves accountable for our actions. It's a harsh truth to face head on or even if someone tries to "tell u bout urself"...with love.

My mother died when I was around 19. Fresh out of high school and ready to take on the world. For those who are still blessed enuff to presently have ur moms, don't take it for granted. You think u have more time and u don't. Time is shorter than u think-but anyhoo...here I am holding on to the jewels my mama taught me before she died. Of course not understanding them at the time they laid dormant in the back of my head. My mama was THE epitome of class and sophistication. If only I didn't curse so much, I could only wish to be a third of what that laydee exuded. However, I am my father's child so the crazy in me tips the scale at times lol. I know how to have a balance tho n tuck it in while in public haha. So carrying myself like a laydee came naturally to me becuz I had a perfect example to follow. 

I learned a lot about myself being to myself. For some people being alone is difficult, especially for mushy n overly emotional people. Often times people confuse being alone for lonely-no honey! I enjoy my time to self. It would be a dream come true if me n my hubby can live separately ever after in love :) I do NOT like clingy men. Please respect my space n know that I need it becuz that's just how I am. It's nothing personal if I wanna sleep on the couch sometimes sheesh. Now that I'm at a point of knowing what I want n don't want, I refuse to compromise for it. I see a lot of "Dear Future Husband" posts as I casually scroll my timeline. It's so cute. We think we ready n feel pressures of aging, wanting more kids n team building to jump the broom like-now! Tsk Tsk laydeeeeez. Be careful what u wish for. God has a sense of humor-trust me!! 

So here I am. Three years from 40 n ain't taking no shyt from nobody. The sense of power I feel is phkn amazing. I.AM.THE.SHYT!!!! I carry myself where u will know to not step to me with peasantry or come to me with less than. If u got a girl, a girl that think she ur girl, sleep on the couch at ur girls or any of those bshyt azz excuses..keep it moving. I know I can come off intimidating or u may feel like u can't approach me and if u lack that type of confidence...keep it moving cuz this ain't what u want. Trust me I'm not that girl who press for no man. Sex is a dime a dozen. U can do that with anybody these days without even trying hard. Eeeeh meh! The tough part is finding someone to truly accept u for u n hold a stimulating conversation without it eluding to sexual innuendo's so soon **eye roll** Yeeeees, I'm pretty n blah blah blah but what are u really willing to invest to know me pass the beauty cuz I know some pretty women's wit horrible attitudes n some fine men's with nothing more to offer than sperm. 

Now to twist a quote from one of my favorite's from The Wire, Omar, When you come at the Queen, u best not miss. I am not playing no games wit chall no mo'. You getting one shot n one shot ONLY. No more benefits of the doubts (which I tend to do becuz I tryyyyy to see the good in folks, I really do) becuz folks take my kindness for weakness far too often. I am more in tune with my energy now so I can sniff out intentions quicker than I used to n pay attention to gut instincts I used to ignore. I am a no brainer n sure shot but I'm not bout to sell myself on anybody. I don't have to prove shyt to nobody either. My actions speak for itself where I show u who I am n believe me...I'm the same OG 24/7. 

If u thought I was something before, wait til u get a load of me now. Everything in my life is off elevation. My life has made a full on makeover n I feel hella good about it. My daddy reminds me...it's time to start enjoying life. U dmnnnnn right. What the hell u waiting for? Kids to leave the house? winning lottery numbers? Mr. Right? the right time or place to wear that dress that's been hanging in ur closet for 2 yrs? TUH. I am the most vibrant one in my office. If I had a sequin dress I would for sure wear it to work-just becuz! I'm currently looking for a vintage fur trim satin robe to gracefully shop at Wegman's in. I'm trying to tell ya....it's not a phkn gaaaaame people. It's actually quite dangerous how much of a beast I am. 

If this post comes off braggy n boastful to u...STEP YO SHYT UP n join me on this level. I meeeean I understand it's hard for someone to root for u when they can't even root for themselves. Not my problem!! I remember when I answered suicidal calls at the fire dept, I had to watch what I said on a recorded line becuz I just can't feel sorry for someone who wants to jump off a bridge cuz they girl cheated or bills was due tomorrow. Booooy if u don't getcho azz off my line wit that woe is me shyt. Stop phkn complaining. Make better choices in life and choose to stop tripping n start living. I am not one to make life harder for myself. If I don't feel like hiking up some steps I am quick to take the elevator for ONE floor lol. I pay the 5 for convenience as well. My next move is luxury apartments-spare me the homeowner bribery cuz I don't care!! ELEVATION!!! I am getting what I want, when I want, how I want and deserve every bit of it. I am worthy of greatness. If you as family, friend, foe, fantasy bae or whomever can't recognize that...BUH BYE! Ain't my loss. 

Along with learning to be alone n enjoying it...I've also gained strength in stepping out my comfort zone. I ain't trying to be no life coach or nothing lol but I am here to: Inspire. Motivate. Elevate ;) As women we lose ourselves (and our mojo's) getting caught up in being moms, over worked, underpaid, not feeling appreciated, overlooked, overweight and just downright tied. I get it, I fully understand. This is where self-care comes into play n making it a routine will keep u sane. I love boudoir shoots. I love seeing women do them too. It puts u in a vulnerable position where u showing ur figure off that may not be to what u want it to be at the time. You've seen them n said "oooh I wanna do that BUT..." I already told y'all...I'm 15lbs heavier than I was last year and here I stand **snap in Z formation** I am comfortable with my body becuz I am comfortable with ME. All these I love me n I'm my own WCW heaux...yea sure...lets see how much u REALLY love urself when u can strip down n front of a camera wit the phk it attitude n kill it. YES U CAN DO IT!!!! I am very aware of my thick thighs, back rolls, stretch marks n cellulite but my boobs look amazing in this bra tho (courtesy of Victoria's Secret). You'd be a fool to think u can body shame me **evil laugh** 

Confidence I can't teach. Sexy is what u feel. Phks given is depleted. We as women are capable of things beyond what our minds can imagine yet we limit ourselves n don't feel good enuff for whatever reason while staying in that safe zone afraid to take the leap. You'll drive urself crazy comparing urself to others. Don't be fooled by ones u think have it all n label 'em relationship goals or wanna trade worlds wit someone else. What is for u, is for u. Whatever ur heart desires is obtainable. Don't tell me shyt can't done n made possible when we sending cars into space n terraforming to live on Mars. It's time to get out this rut n treat yo self. You will soon begin feeling u are a treat yo self. 


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Est. 1981: Thirty Seven

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There has been such a shift in my life as I approach my 40's-EEEEK!! I am officially THIRTY SEVEN!!!! I honestly stopped counting after like 33 tho cuz anything after 30 becomes a blur. I can easily get emotional thinking about the clarity and perspective of life I've been gaining as I learn to grow into my own as a woman. I don't even know how to put it into words to explain it but I'll try...

Recently my brother Cam, asked me how I became so successful. I was already taken back by the question let alone how to answer it. When I asked him to elaborate, he ran down what I have and that I don't complain. Now I found myself having a deep convo moment and wanted to reply in a way that  a 13 yr old could understand. Success and Happiness is subjective. I may not be viewed as successful becuz I'm a renter vs homeowner; not knowing I've been a homeowner yet prefer to rent. I don't drive a luxury car (during the week lol), have a college degree (yet), never been married, don't make 6 figures, or whatever else society pressures the world to think "you've made it once you've obtained". Success for me is having a peace of mind and being happy. Everything he listed that I have don't make me as a person. I'm well aware that those "things" can be taken away at any time and I don't take it for granted. So no, I don't complain. I'm grateful to have the lifestyle I live and count my blessings. I've come a VERY looooong way personally, career wise and financially to get to where I am today. So yes, I carry myself like I'm the shyt cuz I AM. But hold up...the best part...guess who I needed to validate that? **Keith Sweat voice** NOBOOOODY!!  If my presence or attitude offends u or makes u feel some type of way then re-evaluate ur life n level up. I'm honest no matter how brutal it comes off. I could also ramble off a bunch of things I am but to know me would know I mean well n don't come with malice intentions. I used to suppress being me becuz I know I'm over the top at times but the older I get the more I'm like phk it. Take me as I am! I wish everyone could be as free to being themselves as I feel. Not giving a dmn about what anyone thinks of them. I don't feel like I have to pretend to be someone I'm not or sell u on liking me.

What do I have planned for my birthday? Nothing. I've never been big on celebrating it as far as parties n etc. Eeeh I'm easy n low key. Even my pics was last minute. I wanted a full out photoshoot but I've been sick for a good week :( so I had to pull out the most organic photoshoot ever haha. I'm grand yet simple (go figure). Everyday is my birthday the way I treat myself so I'm just very happy to be here...another year here I stand-mama I made it. Happy Birthday to meeeeee and my fellow Aquarians. We the type of friends y'all need in the clutch n whatever u tend to read about Aquarians-bully'd dat shyt.


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Happy Sleeve-versary!! My tummy turns 4.

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This April will mark 4 years since I jetted off to Mexico to get my gastric sleeve. Looking back I had some people who were for and against it. The thing with ME is...when I have my mind set on something and I've done the research to cement my decision-that is what it is. Peer pressure doesn't work with me. Anyhoo...fast forward to today: I'm still here :) It's definitely been a rollercoaster ride thus far. Although I'm not a poster child for the procedure lol, I'm always open to answering questions but I will always be honest with what iiiiiiiii have gone through.

If you think WLS is easy-think again! The toughest decision of it is actually settling on the decision to go thru it. It's not the easy way out or cheating becuz ur taking a different route to meet ur goal. 2+2=4; whether u solve it with 1+1+1+1, 2+1+1, 3+1, or hell 2x2 the answer is all the same right? A lot of times people are silent on how they lost weight through surgery becuz folks shame them or judge them for their choice. Look...I commend all those who can become gym rats n really grind hard through exercise and dieting-kudos!! What u not gonna do is think u can make me feel lesser than becuz of **feel free to refer to this previous post** Okay Okay Okay you ate a few more salads than me, u completed ur smoothie challenge n consistently utilized ur gym membership for the 12 months u signed up for. We get it. At the end of the day I still root for everybody becuz we can all get to the finish line together. My initial goal after surgery was and actually still is...175. 

The lowest I've toggled between is 192-200. I didn't realize it would be THIS hard until it dawned on me. It really is a lifestyle change. I can lose weight alone with just clean eating but when I amp it up with bootcamp (BC) I take it to a whole new level. I haven't been to bootcamp in about a year and I slightly miss Kenya becuz she really does hold you accountable. I can still hear her yelling at us and fussing becuz she can tell when we ate like shyt over the weekend or had too many cheat days. She literally curses u out with love "YOU CANNOT OUT EXERCISE A BAD DIET". I used to brush that phrase off often til the lightbulb clicked n I got serious. If what u doing not giving u the results u want...change it. I did BC 3x's a week n cut out carbs n fried foods. My biggest weakness is I don't drink enough water and I'm not a breakfast person so I'm quick to skip a meal (or 2-yikes). 

Another problem for me is staying consistent. I would go hard, get excited with losing weight n fall off. One cheat day turns into 2...and so on! Life happens. For me I started going back to school and I stopped making time for BC. We all make time for what we want. Yes, I should find the hour to make it happen n I don't. When I get back in go mode I know what to do n who to see. I feel like when u do WLS ur constantly under a microscope and there's some folks in the stands waiting for u to fail. Either way, I feel no pressure to be perfect becuz I know my taste for fried chicken will never leave me. 

Me...currently! I can safely round it up to 215. I got baby weight I didn't get rid of, picked up a bad habit of chocolate cashews n Starbucks mixed with plain ol' lazy. I can stand accountable for my lack of action but again...I'm not gonna beat myself up over it. You will lose the majority of ur weight after surgery within the first year. After that...it's really up to u whether u maintain ur loss or gain. Surgery is an aide. It doesn't do all the work for u. I've been in forums where folks think the sleeve "stopped working" n people do "pouch tests" where u try to "reset" ur body after regaining weight so u do the whole post-op diet of liquids (which I loosely followed). In their mind they think their stomach stretched. In other words...oh shyt I fallen back to bad habits of eating so surely that must mean my surgery has failed me **cue horror scream** 

Luckily and surprisingly for me...I am still comfortably in my size 14's yet creeping back to 16's. Becuz I know I don't want to ever hit 290 again I'm aware of my gain. The toleration with food has definitely changed since surgery. I've always been a lover of spicy foods; well...not anymore :( anything white i.e. bread, rice, hell even whole milk...Nope!! I learned to read labels but mainly taught from error cuz I be living on the edge. If I eat something too fast or too sweet...I get sick, mild stomach ache sick. I've experienced the infamous dumping syndrome ONE good time (it's rare for sleevers). It's NOT a good feeling n mine came late after lunch while at work. OMG I thought I was gonna phkn diiiiiiie!! I over ate-half a burger n 5 wings :7 I left feeling so full n I knew I phkd up. I went back to work n got the "itis" but I started getting so uncomfortable sitting down. I kept feeling like I had to go to the bathroom but nothing. Almost like I was backed up. I felt sick n just wanted to lay down. That shyt was scary becuz I was sweating n cramping just praying for it to be over asap. You literally have to eat a little bit at a time n let it marinate. Buffets don't benefit me and I hate it. Sometimes I wish I had my old stomach just to over indulge-ugh that sounds so fat of me **le sigh** I know! It's just such an adjustment that I didn't anticipate.

The downside of skipping surgery thru ur insurance is...you don't get the mandatory therapy needed as a heads up to the emotional effects from losing weight. Yes, u see me celebrating my victories and improvements of health. Behind closed doors what u don't see is...the struggles to break off my relationship with food. Peasantry foods aka fast foods I used to grab do nothing for me. Popeyes makes me sick, there's no way I could ever eat McDonald's anymore. I know, I know...I shouldn't be eating that shyt no ways but who doesn't love a good batch of McD's fries every once n a blue moon but I had to face the facts my appetite changed. I've had breakdowns in dressing rooms becuz I'm over joyed at being able to fit into something I didn't see myself getting back into. The fear of change in the form of losing weight still lingers and it can be depressing-weird right.

Thank God for support groups n forums to turn to. I've consistently read friend/relationships crumble n never understood how or why...well errrr ummm yea prepare for people to change. Now in MY case I wouldn't understand why it would happen becuz my confidence n self has been consistent whether 290 or not. Yet I've seen how folks change maybe now ur getting more attention, finally feeling good about ur self and that can bring out insecurities in others who aren't genuinely happy for u. I have learned having a positive support team makes a difference n who better to turn to than those who know what u goin thru. #HeySleeveSisters

Through the ups n downs, what I've grown to learn about myself (n others), I wouldn't change a thing. I don't regret the decision I made or even goin overseas to do it. I now make realistic goals. I know I'm not losing 10lbs in a week n I don't feel like a failure. I celebrate small victories at a time i.e. no Starbucks for a month!! I'm more aware of my mood changes and adjusting to a new quality of life #HelloNoThighChaffing :) If ur considering surgery thinking it'll be a quick fix or you'll be happier becuz ur lighter-think again! After the honeymoon phase ur more than likely to gain some back...to be honest it's almost inevitable and there's no escaping exercise **cue Kim K ugly cry** The good news is...it's never too late. Everyday u wake up is a clean slate to do right n make better choices. My success story is forever to be continued...


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